Console War Takes Dark Turn As Microsoft Turns Poor Canadian Into Xbox Controller

Alternative headlines that did not make the cut because none of them were mine:

• Xbox Controller Puts On Jeans For First Time In Weeks
• This Xbox Controller Has Pockets, Unlike My Goddamn Pants
• This Is The Xbox Controller For Letterkenny Fans
• Xbox Canada Debuts World’s First Non-Nude Xbox Controller
• Xbox Controller Is A Classy Dude, Puts On Jorts
• Xbox Controller Pretends It Doesn’t Know How Good Its Ass Looks In These
• Xbox Controller Just Back From Taking Kids To Soccer Practice
• Confirmed: Xbox Controller Is Definitely A Nevernude
• Nevernude Xbox Controller Finally Comfortable In Full Denim Bodysuit