As 2021 seems determined to carry on where 2020 left off, so we were tempted to fight the gloom of the perma-lockdown with the soothing familiarity of an entirely typical Brave Pill. One that would be German, have eight or more cylinders, send power to the rear axle and be able of bettering 15mpg only with the aid of a long slope or at the end of a tow rope.
This, as you'll have spotted, isn't that. We've opted for something completely different, and our inaugural Pill of the new year puts a tick next to only one of those criteria. And that's only true if you reckon its BMW badge confers more nationality than the fact it was built in South Carolina. When it comes to fuel economy it's about as atypical a Pill as we've featured. With the exception of the Alpina D3 we featured last October our X5 50d's official combined score of 37.7mpg is the highest of any Pill in nearly two years. So what, you're likely asking, is a not exceptionally old, not exceptionally cheap diesel SUV doing here?
You can certainly make a case that our Pill's paint scheme is enough to qualify it as as courageous choice - it's as blue as a naked Na'vi telling rude jokes in Crater Lake. Yet the Focus RS reminiscent colour is either a wrap or a respray - the advert isn't clear on which - as the car's original colour was black. However applied, the electric hue is only a small part of the reason for the 50d's inclusion. Because in 2021 a rare, tech-laden diesel-powered SUV has become every bit as brave a choice as the older and less advanced machinery that forms the ruffage in our regular Saturday morning diet. It's hard to think of a car more likely to find itself in the crosshairs of the approaching wave of environmental legislation. Indeed it's no exaggeration to say that, within just a few years, owning a car like this is likely to be either very expensive or borderline impossible.
Not that the range-topping diesel X5's performance stats were particularly outlandish when it was launched. This was the era when combining go-fastered SUVs with increasingly large compression ignition engines was all the rage. Indeed, compared to two previous Pills - the Audi Q7 V12 TDI and Volkswagen Touareg V10 TDI - the 50d's 3.0-litre six-cylinder looks pretty modest.
BMW had actually pioneered the diesel V8 in a passenger car, having created the common rail M67 as early as 1998 and fitting it to both the E38 and E65 generations of the 7 Series. In its most potent 4.4-litre guise this made 325hp. But this was never offered with either the first or second-gen X5, and retired when the bubble butt Bangle 7 Series died in 2009. From then on BMW switched to the new six-cylinder 'N57' diesel engine. And while this was more than potent enough for most applications, making up to 309hp in its '35d' and '40d' guises, it was still some way adrift from the arms race that was raging at the faster end of the segment. This was the time when Audi, Land Rover, Porsche and Volkwagen were all offering V8 oilers with substantially more power.
Corporate pride demanded a solution, and more boost provided the answer. BMW's engineers came up with the novel idea of a triple-turbocharged set-up for the 3.0-litre N57. Low down this behaved like the existing engine, using a small variable geometry turbo first to minimise low-down lag, with a larger, puffier blower coming on stream around 1500rpm to give the 'fistbump of God' torque that buyers in this part of the market expected. The third turbine, another smaller one, joined the party at around 2600rpm to increase top-end grunt all the way to the 5500rpm redline. The result was 375hp at 4000rpm and 546lb ft at just 2000rpm; more twist than the contemporary X5M could muster.
While BMW had designed this spiffy new engine with its next-generation cars in mind, it made its debut (briefly) in the close-to-retirement E71 X6 and E70 X5, managing a single model year in each. Our Pill is one of these E70s, meaning it has an official 5.4-second 0-62mph time and an electronically limited 155mph top speed, while also scoring the exact same official mpg figure as the twin-turbo X5 40d that sat below it in the hierarchy. It carried a substantial premium when new, though - costing £60,815 before options it was 13 grand more than the 40d.
While hugely effective, the 50d's engine was never a particularly characterful powerplant. It sounded gruff low down and performance turned it loud without making it tuneful; rival V8s were much more interesting to listen to when working hard. Responses were impressively lag free and the huge torque meant it could deliver serious performance without breaking sweat. This was one of those cars that would win inadvertently win a traffic light grand prix on quarter throttle while the Corsa in the next lane was banging its limiter in every gear. Keeping the E70 50d's considerable mass in check required firm suspension settings, which could feel distinctly unplush over broken surfaces, but many owners report that ditching the standard run-flats improves low-speed ride.
Is it brave enough to be here? In terms of mechanical peril the X5 50d is definitely a few rungs down the ladder from both the Q7 V12 - and the perfect storm of bork that is the Touareg V10. But there is still plenty of risk in something using such a complicated and rare-groove powerplant, especially one that requires a high level of specialist attention. In addition to the air suspension and electrical faults that can strike lesser versions of the E70 as they reach middle age, the 50d's boosted output and Gordian plumbing raises other major challenges when maintenance turns non-routine. The turbochargers on the early N57S share a single oil supply pipe, something which has caused more than one owner to swallow a bill to replace all three at once.
Beyond its bracing colour - and near certainty of a ULEZ clobbering for anyone wanting to use it in urban areas within a couple of years - our Pill doesn't induce the level of pant-dampening fear of our more obvious automotive roulette wheels. There's no claim of service history in the advert, but the MOT history is a sea of green, the only red a fail on its debut test for damaged rear tyres. So a relatively gentle start to 2021, but this is still a car pretty much diametrically opposed to the spirit of the (new) age. How long do cars like this have left?
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