Vikram Seth and Mira Nair may not know it, but the quest for a suitable boss has more twists than the hunt for a suitable boy. One reason this is a tricky business is that bosses mutate (that’s why there are no vaccines against them). Some are wise, some supervise; some mean well, others are, well, mean. There are bosses whom you look up to, and those you need to watch out for. Since you never know which of the above you are going to draw in the office lottery, it makes sense to be prepared for all of them, and their mutations.
Alas, management schools teach finance, HR and marketing, but not that most vital skill of all — managing your boss. (Even Salman Khan doesn’t tell you this, despite this being Season Umpteen of Big Boss). So here, dredged from painful but gainful experience are the steps you must take.
Another planet
The first thing you need to know is that bosses belong to another planet. When you are talking about antakshari, they will talk about opera. If you describe a scuffle at the bus stop, they will turn to rising levels of intolerance. If you complain about canteen food, they will tell you that an avocado or a spoonful of chawanprash meets all nutritional needs. The sooner you understand this difference of attitude and altitude, the easier it will be for you to move up the rungs.
It’s a mistake to believe that these men and women from Mars are always critical of what you do. Actually, the boss often loves your idea so much he adopts it and makes it his own. So, the perspective plan you have slogged over for days will, with a few punctuations added, emerge with his initials on them. You ought to be happy — appropriation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Next, learn to read your boss’s mind. This is difficult but not impossible. Experience and acute observation will give you tell-tale indications of his ideological leanings, pet peeves, magnificent obsessions, Achilles heel… Having all this pat is like having a Google Map to his thought patterns. You are then on sure ground when he asks for your “frank” opinion about critical matters — selecting a name for the department’s newsletter, the wallpaper for his cabin or the logo for the annual dealer meet. Knowing his likely choices, you simply have to align your own view with his to be considered a cultured executive with artistic sensibilities. Ergo, promotable.
Just as there are no perfect human beings, there are no impartial bosses. They all learn to play favourites, and they have learnt this not from any management school but from the “divide and rule” Brits. Being a favourite translates into a lighter workload, less chances of earning your boss’s wrath on a bad morning, and more prospects of being nominated to receive an award on behalf of the department. All this can tempt you to ingratiate yourself into the charmed inner circle of authority. But remember, there will be a price to pay. When a new boss takes over the reins, all the old favourites automatically become persona non grata.
Delegation is second nature to men and women in high places. My boss once told me that when it came to minor jobs, he delegated them to his juniors because such trivial tasks ought not to take up management time. When it came to major jobs, he delegated them as well — for how else would the juniors ever learn? That’s how the system works. It’s been borrowed from the social structure of bees which, as you know, has a queen bee who lords it over while a swarm does all the real work. (I think that’s why management schools are called “B schools”). If you are part of the swarm, just bide your time until the wheel turns full circle. By then you will know so many tricks of the trade that you would have found a suitable boss — yourself.
jairam.menon@gmail.com