Until divorce do us part: how to end a marriage amicably

Darcy Tuscano and her partner have been married for 16 years and share two children. In August, after five highly stressful months of lockdown together in their home in Spain, they decided, amicably, to separate and divorce. Then came the logistical hurdles.

Tuscano, who is originally from the US midwest, scoured the internet for resources for people like them—expats divorcing in their new home country—and found none. She called several lawyers in Barcelona, and only one returned her call. Finally, they settled on a mediator, whom they now see via video chat. “We knew coming to an agreement ourselves with a mediator would be the best for the kids,” says Tuscano. “And that neither of us wanted to waste our money in any court system.”

The process, however, has been challenging and difficult to work through remotely without making things between them worse. “We are committed to mediation,” says Tuscano, who has spent the past decade as a stay-at-home mum and is now, she points out, tasked with seeking work in a country where unemployment is massive. “But, even without COVID-related limitations, money talks bring out the worst fears of everyone. We’re realising it could take months to come to an agreement.”

So, what impact has the pandemic had on our relationships?

Among the many things COVID-19 has made more difficult is divorce, both logistically due to shutdowns throughout the legal system, and emotionally. Many around the world are already feeling isolated, and undergoing a divorce can exacerbate those feelings.

“Divorce is inherently a lonely process,” says Dr Viola Drancoli, a Munich-based clinical psychologist who sees patients remotely in South and North America, Africa, Asia, and Europe. “Friends and extended family may have an array of reactions to the end of the marriage,” she says. “They may feel resentful towards one partner, distance themselves, or even blame her or him. This means that important sources of social support can suddenly vanish.” Barriers can also arise for couples or individuals when a certain culture or faith doesn’t agree with the concept of divorce.

And yet, divorce is a reality for growing numbers of people around the world, a result of a perfect storm of pandemic-related conditions that may include increased stress due to poor health or unemployment and far more time spent together at home. In the US, divorce rates soared by more than 34 per cent in the first four months of the pandemic, with newlywed separations doubling to 20 per cent. Lawyers in Italy have reported similar: an uptick of 30 per cent as couples emerged from lockdown. A spike in divorce in Japan, meanwhile, launched a new term on social media in that country: “Corona divorce.”

Even cultures where citizens are traditionally reluctant to file for divorce, such as Turkey, China, and Canada, have experienced a rise, says Dr Drancoli. “The stress of the pandemic, anxiety, the unstable job situation, ‘the news’, being locked down and confined to a space all contribute to escalating conflicts between partners,” she says. “There is little opportunity for a ‘time out’ or a vacation.”

How to part ways amicably rather than acrimoniously

Not all separation or divorce is contentious, though. Recently, Queer Eye star Karamo Brown revealed he and fiancé Ian Jordan, originally due to get married this summer, split while hunkered down in June. They got virtual counselling and parted, noted Brown, as “good friends”. Meanwhile, American ballet dancer James Whiteside and his partner of 12 years, figure skater and model Daniel Donigan, announced their breakup earlier this month in tandem Instagram posts that highlighted the loving nature of the split. “He is and always will be my magical unicorn,” Whiteside wrote of Donigan.

Dr Drancoli says that parting ways amicably typically depends on mutual agreement that divorce is the best option. That can be rare, but is more likely in cases where couples have had access to professional counselling. “Often divorces are accompanied by emotional injuries and severe disappointments felt by one or both partners,” says Dr Drancoli. “From a mental health perspective, this is the time to see a professional and to process the disappointment, mourn the losses, and eventually reach a state of acceptance and even forgiveness. Those are factors that can make a divorce more amicable.” Couples able to navigate the process swiftly, meanwhile, typically have a better chance of staying friends.

Finding the resources that work for you

While remote resources are available, including legal and psychological counselling, it can be difficult to know where to start to search. Barbara Reeves, a partner in family law at Mishcon de Reya, a firm with offices in London and Singapore, says that when a couple is considering separation it’s rarely necessary to call in the lawyers right away, especially since a glut of online information about family law can, ironically, make people feel more confused and less supported.

In the UK, those looking to understand the court process may first turn to resources such as Citizens Advice, while family law collective Resolution can match couples with legal help that’s appropriate for their situation and budget. Reeves nearly always suggests couples consider psychological counselling, too, even when both parties are in agreement. “That can help each manage their own emotional responses and to establish appropriate methods of communication about disagreements,” she says. She points to online counselling services, such as Relate, which offers video counselling and access to self-help resources, as well as free web chats for those affected by the pandemic.

Maressa Brown, a 37-year-old journalist in Los Angeles, finalised her divorce in April—amicably, she says, thanks to telehealth counselling (where you and your counsellor meet in a comfortable place of your choosing using interactive audio and video) and without much cost or fuss thanks to a paralegal-by-mail service called We The People.

“I kept fantasising about something existing like a divorce concierge service who could just ask us a few questions and then handle all the confusing paperwork for us, almost like the flip of a wedding planner,” she says. Turns out, they do. “Conventional divorce lawyers may prefer to keep things complicated because resolving conflict takes time, and time is money. Using a DIY service allowed us to go through the process in a streamlined way that didn’t provoke extra stress or animosity.”

As Tuscano and her soon-to-be-ex have experienced, one of the biggest obstacles for separating couples is negotiating finances, typically exacerbated by current conditions where the security of jobs, the future viability of businesses, and the stability of house prices are all uncertain. “This problem is often more acute for women, who are more likely to have been the primary caregivers for children, and so have a lower income and savings for retirement,” she says.

Before making any significant decisions about how to move forward with a split, she suggests speaking to a financial adviser—this can be done over the phone—to explore the affordability of the options, which can ultimately help reduce the stress of talking about money. Couples may also consider early neutral evaluation, whereby a lawyer provides an indication to both parties as to what would happen if they were to bring their case before the courts—a helpful, and often cost and time-saving hint of what to expect should court proceedings become necessary.

It may be hard now, but compassion is key

While certain resources can indeed help facilitate a smoother transition, ultimately, says Reeves, how a couple handles separation is entirely up to the two people involved. “In my experience, the best way for a couple to keep their divorce amicable is to keep an open, understanding mindset and to try and see things from the other side’s perspective, but that’s often easier said than done,” she says. “But above all, I’ve found it's important to have a genuine understanding that for every action, there’s a reaction. And that what might seem satisfying in the moment can often cause unnecessary acrimony and pain further down the line.”

Also read:

How to keep the expectations in your relationship realistic during the pandemic

4 women open up on how the pandemic has affected their relationships