How to get out of a fight: Making up matters

BENGALURU: Here is a small exercise for you: Take a bottle of water. Hold it out as if you are offering it to someone you think is thirsty. Stay with your hand reaching out like that, waiting for the other person to take the bottle from you. Watch what you feel as you wait for it to be taken. Feel that initial warm and pleasant feelings, the joy of thinking that you are about to help somebody with their thirst, even feelings of affection. Stay holding it out, and watch what happens next as nobody really takes that bottle from your hand. You are offering the bottle so kindly, but there is just no interest in taking it. Observe now what you are feeling. Are you getting a little miffed? Maybe a little agitated?

If you can, try and hold it a little longer. Then, for a while more. Hold it long enough, and you will start finding that your arm aches. Your muscles start whining under that stress, till they are screaming in agony. It really hurts to hold out that little bottle of water for so long. You might even find yourself tearing up, and finally, at some point, you would likely give up.

By then, you would be tired out, and if someone at that point, came and asked you for a bottle of water, you are more likely to throw the bottle at them or empty the bottle at their feet in spite and anger, rather than actually give them the water as you originally intended.

In love and relationships, reaching out after a fight is a bit like holding out that bottle of water.

If the person you are looking to make up with is not interested in making up with you at that time, but you continue to hold out that peace offering, waiting for them to take it up, you are likely to get really cheesed off sooner or later, and have another thing to fight about.

When you have given up or are about to give up, if they finally do reach back out to you, you might just scream at them, “I tried and tried to make up, and you wouldn’t listen! What makes you think I want to make up now!” and then they become the one trying to make peace, and you are the one refusing to take it.

The cycle can continue on and on till finally the whole thing cracks. So, what could you do instead?
If you are really reaching out with a bottle of water for someone, wouldn’t you just set it near them, say, “Hey, I have got some water. Let me know if you need anything else,” and withdraw a little, waiting for them to take the water?

Do the same thing. Tell the person you fight with, “Hey, I am ready to make up. I am here when you are ready,” and back away.

Reach out by all means, but don’t do so in a way that hurts you.
(The writer is counsellor with InnerSight)