A young lady doctor, attending to COVID-19 patients, herself succumbed to the infection she seemed to have contracted.
Before she went into hospital, she told someone I know that if she did not make it back, she hoped all those she may have distressed in the course of her life, would forgive her. The poignancy of her plea struck me even more significantly, when my mother suddenly passed on within a day of my hearing this comment and sharing it with her. It forced me to ask myself ‘What does this mean?’
In my journey through life I imagine there are surely some people who may have felt pain in my dealing with them. Do I seek forgiveness from them? A few whom I recall have passed on.
While the need to be forgiven by another is important, the greater need in me seems to be the willingness to forgive myself.
Some who have said I have caused them pain may not know that my intent may never have been to distress them. If I have done so, more often than not it has been owing to either my insensitivity, which I was not aware of, or even ignorance.
Hence to whip myself and fault myself, much after the act has been committed, only seems to heap on me guilt and shame.
Possibly a less painful way of apologising is to first forgive myself for any indiscretion I may have committed. In doing so I may then, with awareness, be able to examine the content and process of my errors. I may also feel far less burdened for I know that I am not punishing myself and thus am ridding myself of either feeling a victim or even persecuting myself.
It may not be easy to forgive myself, yet if I do not attempt to do so, I do not think I will let others forgive me even if they want to as I would anyway continue to stew irrespective of whether someone forgives me or not.
From whom am I forgiveness seeking, if I cannot from self?
If not, I am only self-deceiving, and no one else!
The writer is an organisational and behavioural consultant. He can be contacted at ttsrinath@gmail.com