Good morning from today’s news bulletin of calamity and catastrophe. And if there isn’t any, don’t worry, we will create some.
Breaking news! The biggest reveal, sensational in-depth reportage, absolutely never-seen-before footage of — WhatsApp messages. For the first time ever: WhatsApp messages! Remember, you see them only on our channel. Some of the latest messages are over three years old! Watch carefully while we build them into a government-toppling political scam. Politicians who have no connection to any persons in this case are demanding that the other apologises, resigns, names, shames, sanitises… We can see the devious hand of China in this. Or the head of Trump. If nothing else, rest assured, we can link it back to Nehru.
In other news, fires rage, causing grievous harm to... Next story please. Shift to our reporter who is in a flood-ravaged village, dangling upside down from a tree, while houses are swept away. Oh look, the WhatsApp message has an emoji. Let’s spend prime time talking about what was not in the message now. Let’s read in between the lines.
Pardon these seven seconds of a daring helicopter rescue by the Air Force to evacuate flood-hit villagers. Quick, back to our Main Story! Exciting developments! Scandalous, sensational... (Oh sorry, jumped up in excitement and knocked my mic down. Sorry for the disruption.) Look at what’s appearing live before your eyes, dear viewers — only on this channel. Unbelievable! A car!
The excitement is unbearable. A car is approaching the gate. Its windows are shaded. In this car is... is not/could be the secretary’s ex-landlord’s friend-in-law. Only we bring you the blurred image of a finger. Let’s replay it for the next two days every 10 minutes. Rare footage of a finger.
In other news, Covid cases are spiralling… blah blah... Riots in the BLM movement. Lebanon explosion. Yawn. The economy is diving… Time for a commercial break!
Back to Belarus, JEE, potential vaccines blah, blah — Yesssss! Finally... A world-changing scoop, only on this channel. Someone visited this building that evening. In confidence, at risk to life and limb, from the heat of action, our reporter reports it was a boy. Who came to retrieve his cricket ball. Oh! Or was he a drug dealer with Dubai mafia connections? Don’t leave, viewers, we will be right back with more sensational reveals, created especially for you, right after these ads.
And that brings us to the end of this bulletin. Stay tuned. We will investigate, pursue every message, expose every finger, plug our own political agenda non-stop, hold panels to shout over all our expert guests, storm people’s privacy, conduct trials of our own, reach conclusions, hurl accusations, prove guilt and — all throughout — punish. We’ve solved it, the CBI should thank us for doing it all.
Our TRP is through the roof. Advertising money is pouring in. People are watching our news more than the matchmaking series. Team, take a bow. 2020’s the best year ever.
Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy, pokes her nose into our perfect lives.