Online dating helps — Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram are good hunting grounds. Here caste matters less as one can change one’s name, but class matters. (Photo: Getty)
Written by Bhagyashri Boywad
To simplify heavy topics such as love, caste and its intersection with gender let me begin with my story. I come from the Nanded, one of the most backward regions of Marathwada in Maharashtra. I studied in Marathi medium till graduation, and did odd jobs in companies in Pune. To continue my education, I enrolled for the Women’s Studies course at the Tata Institute of Social Sciences. The course exposed me to the concepts of intersectionality. I also learnt how caste, class, gender, race, ethnicity, and disability operate in society. I observed things inside the classroom as well as outside it.
I experienced mobility and freedom, saw how relationships were created. I began to notice different patterns of relationships such as friendship and love, and realised that ‘love’ could also be a social construction where questions about caste, class and gender emerge when you choose your romantic partner. Thus began my research that took me to JNU, where I found people of diverse sexualities — bisexual, asexual, intersex and heterosexual people.
After interviewing about 20 people, I discovered that romantic relationships were not simple. Some found emotional love and care empowering, some sought comfort zones, while some wanted to move out of the comfort zone and date people with differing ideologies. However, some just couldn’t continue due to the duel between Left and Dalit politics on campus. An Ambedkarite male had an intimate relationship with a woman who was active in left politics. However, their relationship couldn’t last as both were unable to make peace with the tension of politics and love.
In all of these opinions about relationships, an emphasis on sexual intimacy was common. Respondents said intimacy with their partner would strengthen the bond.
These ideas were imitated from western lifestyles. In this, Bollywood has played a significant role. The idea of pre-marital sex, homosexual relationships is depicted in movies like Tamasha (2015), Shudh Desi Romance (2013), Yeh Jawani Hai Deewani (2013). The inter-caste violence of such romantic relationships is depicted in movies like Sairat (2016), Pariyerum Perumal (2018).
This new trend of seeking intimate partners is an outcome of change in this neo-liberal era — better education for women, safe environment for interaction with the opposite sex, more career options, increase in the legal age of marriage. Technology is one of the most significant interventions in providing access.
However, this comes with other disadvantages. The jealousy among men when their women partners talk to other men, or disregard for privacy when partners snoop on each other’s social media accounts brings toxicity. This gives rise to emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, gaslighting. One endures this just to maintain the relationship.
Some respondents looked at monogamy as an absolute demonstration of love. Others preferred multiple partners. Said one respondent about polygamy, “It gives you new ways of expression and exposes you to different kinds of pleasures. It could be intimate or emotional pleasure. In a monogamous relationship… after a point there remains nothing.”
Online dating helps — Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram are good hunting grounds. Here caste matters less as one can change one’s name, but class matters. During causal dates one needs to prove one’s class status by preferring to dine at certain restaurants or offer gifts. For introverts, dating apps such as Tinder are a godsend. The ‘hook-up’ culture is a casual acknowledgement by both parties to have sex and part without any commitment. In online dating, one doesn’t get bored easily. New trends and frequent engagements keeps one excited.
Overall, caste does play an important role in relationships. Even women with dominant caste status do not enjoy their caste privileges. All my respondents were SC, ST, OBC who had the fear of caste looming. One partner left her boyfriend because he was Dalit.
JNU is a complicated space. Some consider it as a love haven while some see it as being orthodox, where a woman is allowed in men’s hostels while the vice-versa is prohibited.
Bhagyashri Boywad, an activist from Nanded, is the chairperson of the student council at TISS, Hyderabad
Suraj Yengde, author of Caste Matters, curates the fortnightly ‘Dalitality’ column