For many of us, racism was stirred into the cement that formed the foundation on which our current self is built.

Sometimes nearly unnoticed but omnipresent, nonetheless.

This is my personal story of how I became aware of my inherent institutional bias and have actively sought to dismantle it and, in the process, have faced vehement backlash and denial from those who share the same origin story as me.

At first, I didn't want to share my story again – not out of fear of the brutal threats, but because I believe there are more important voices we need to listen to right now. However, I do also realise that being silent makes me complicit. If I'm part of the problem, I'd better be part of the solution.

Growing up white, Afrikaans, conservative and Christian, I was taught to always be polite, to say "oom" and "tannie" when speaking to someone older than me, and that missing a church service or Sondagskool (Sunday school) was unimaginable.

Coming from a conservative religious background, I was taught that dancing on a Sunday is not allowed, but sometimes my father would put on a record and we'd listen to music. Nobody could stop me from dancing. If this was wrong, I never wanted to be right.

Although a bit stringent and confining, I believed that I was being raised to be a kind and respecting human being that would add value to society. In my heart, I've always believed my loving parents raised a kind and good person.

Then, as I started to venture out into the world, I discovered a massive problem the size of an ever-growing sinkhole under the foundation on which my identity was built.

As the truths started to crumble away, a gaping hole was opening up underneath me and it was exposing a dark pit of horrendousness that I was fearful to face – for if I did, it would expose me as a terrible person.

Many never venture out of their inner circles and aren't ever exposed to any other realities other than the echo chamber in which they grow up.

But I've learnt that despite being raised to be kind, to love and to be a good person, my cultural background restricted this to my own race, had caveats when it came to gender, and excluded every sexuality other than heteronormativity.

Dusting off the cobwebs of my childhood during apartheid, I have horrifying flashbacks of rules that I'm ashamed to admit today. I remember with disgrace how our domestic worker was not allowed to sit on our chairs or share our cutlery. Different rules of basic human rights applied differently to people based on their race, their gender and their sexuality – a sentiment echoed by my school (education), the church (religion) and the government (society) while I was growing up in apartheid South Africa.

A white Afrikaans boy in a small conservative town that wanted to be good and not break the rules, I was taught by all institutions in my life that segregation by race was not only necessary but also good.

Today, I know it's not only fundamentally wrong but also inhumane and despicable.

When you grow up believing you're a good person and then find out you've been taught to hate instead of love equally, the knee-jerk reaction is denial.

I can't possibly be part of the problem. I'm a good person.

Then you start to chip away at the layers on which your concept of self was built and at its core sits the rotten truth – like capillaries tightly wrapped around bleeding flesh. Almost impossible to separate without damaging one or the other.

Dismantling institutionalised racial bias within yourself and drilling through to the root of the problem are extremely uncomfortable and painful things to do. But I'm acutely aware that my discomfort is incomparable to the pain and hate caused by racism – especially the kind I was part of.

Today, as an openly gay white male, I have used my privilege to speak out within my own community about being part of the problem. I want to do this without making the narrative about me or taking space away from the diverse voices that need to be heard right now. Equally, it's important to note there's nothing stoic in fixing a problem you were a part of creating and it won't go away with one sweep when it was ingrained in you from birth.

Recently, I asked my community to know the name George Floyd and to accept our role in the bigger problem. George's death was the catalyst that brought about a global movement. Racism knows no borders. What happened in America is just the vehicle we need to discuss the same realities in our own homes and hearts.

As a result of speaking out and admitting that ignorance about racism is just as bad as racism itself, I've received an avalanche of death threats and a barrage of the vilest comments flooding my every social media channel and personal inbox. My contact details shared to spread the hate. I've been called "a disgrace to my race" and asked to "kill myself" as a useless "wit gemors".

An angry young man with a thick beard on a Facebook page made an unlawful video fingering me as a target and, as a result, his followers aimed and fired their poisonous bows – recklessly drenched in hate. It hit me hard and, regrettably, my family as well. My sister called me in tears. My mother distraught with fear. My name and surname dragged through muddy comment sections in dark corners of the internet.

But I don't want to talk about my discomfort. Right now, my pain is irrelevant.

My guilt and my discomfort do nothing, unless I turn it into a meaningful tool to educate others.

If you read my previous article in which I asked if you are possibly part of the problem and you reacted by discussing how you want to tear my limbs apart one by one and how my mother should have smothered me at birth, and you feel good about what you said, then you've made a choice. It's your choice.

Respect mine as I embrace a future of equality and work vehemently to rectify the wrongs of my past dutifully. My children won't be raised to be racist. In fact, I'll raise them to be vocally anti-racist and open, loving, and accepting of all genders, sexualities, and religions. I will teach them to be good. To everyone. Always.

- Herman Eloff is News24's lifestyle and entertainment editor.