Be unstoppable

Kimberly Dias

Hi Kimberly,

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a few months and things were quite good. However, since the lockdown, everything seems to have changed. Initially, we’d talk a lot over the phone about our day and everything we did. I’ve noticed that since the past two weeks, we don’t talk that much anymore and we seem to have grown distant. He hardly calls me and it’s usually me who calls him. When I call, he is usually busy or talks in monosyllables. I am not sure what went wrong and how things changed so much. When I ask him about it, he just laughs and makes me feel silly. Earlier I was attracted to him as I felt he respected my feelings but now I don’t feel that anymore. It has been worrying me very much and I cannot focus on anything I have to do and have become very irritable. Please guide me.

Vanshika

Dear Vanshika,

Thank you for your email and for sharing your concerns with me. I am so sorry that your relationship has hit a troubled path. The lockdown indeed has impacted several people in many different ways.

In a relationship, when communication starts to fade, everything else follows. The wrong person makes you beg for attention, affection, love and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you. Initially, it crossed my mind that maybe he had little to talk about since he too has been home due to the lockdown but conversations aren’t always about talking; sometimes it is about listening too. The fact that you mentioned that he hardly does that and belittles your feelings is a good indicator of the lack of respect he has for you. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be just their option.

Next time, tell him that you do not feel valued anymore and ask him if he sees anything worth holding on to, in what you share right now. Tell him exactly how you feel and give yourself some time to see if there is any change at all. If at any time, you feel like the change, if any, isn’t genuine or leaves you with a doubt; go with your instincts and walk away. In the end, there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to and this clearly isn’t the best example of someone

who is trying.

Every relationship has its baggage, but they aren’t meant to weigh you down, instead they should help you be the best version of yourself. Take your time to decide and then follow your instincts. All the best.

Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

I am quite dependent on my friends for everything. My parents feel I need to learn to make decisions on my own and start taking a little more initiative. They like my friends but feel that I get too easily influenced by them. I sometimes agree with my parents but I don’t know how to stop being this way. I guess it is just easier to go with the flow which is why I am usually in the background. Also, my friends are really talented so I’m often nervous about not being good enough to shine on my own. Any suggestions on how I can change this? Thank you.

Lina

Dear Lina,

Thank you for your email and for discussing your predicament with me. It is wonderful to hear of the interest your parents take in you as well as the level and type of understanding you share. Making decisions is scary but not making them leaves you with something even scarier – regret!! Once you begin to make your own decisions, you’ll begin to feel more empowered and in control. Good decisions come from experience and experience comes from bad decisions. So either way, it is an opportunity to learn and improve. It is occasionally good to go with the flow but are you following your heart or just the crowd when doing that? (Be)lieve in (you)rself -an original is worth much more than a copy. Feeling like you’re not good enough is a common phenomenon, but remember that it is you who decides that, not everyone else. You are your only limit. Be unstoppable, you’ll realise you’re braver, smarter and stronger than you think. Shine on!

Do keep writing in at ask.kimberly@yahoo.com

Until next time, stay safe and don’t be scared to be happy!

(The columnist is a psychologist and counsellor, currently working as a school counsellor)