Who cuts our leaders’ hair?

Why have so many of our ministers vanished from public view? Why do we see neither hide nor hair of them these days? What accounts for their new-found shyness? In contrast, consider Donald Trump, who holds forth at press conferences almost every day.

Even Boris Johnson, despite his close brush with death, has been busy doing his thing in public. Angela Merkel and Jacinda Ardern have been at the forefront of their respective countries’ fight against the virus.

Is it because our leaders are scared of the virus? Not at all, they are brave and honourable people. The reason for their bashfulness is obvious — they are desperately trying to hide their haircuts. The nation wants to know: who has been cutting our leaders’ hair during the lockdown?

In normal times they probably have hotshot hairdressers who trundle around to their homes to cut their hair. But can they do that even during a lockdown?

The last time I checked, the list of folks who could go out to perform ‘essential services’ didn’t include barbers. Of course, any minister could always get special passes, but would they seek such favours at a time when everybody else is suffering because of the lack of haircuts? Aren’t we all in this together?

It is therefore very likely that the members of the cabinet have been cutting each other’s hair. It will serve them well later on, when the economy is hanging by a hair and we all have to make a precarious living by cutting each other’s hair. Of course, it is also possible that their spouses may have decided to experiment with their hair, with disastrous results.

Whatever be the reason, several of our leaders seem to have got a bad deal. You know how it is, you find one side is a bit longer, so you cut that side, then find it’s too short, then you trim the other side and soon your hair looks like an old rug your dog has chewed.

It is a hair-raising experience. I know the feeling very well — that is why I carefully turn off the video during the office zoom meetings.

There are exceptions. Bald people can now boldly go where no hairy person would dare to tread. Just look at Jeff Bezos. The same goes for those who shave their heads. Consider the UP chief minister, the man is indefatigable, he’s to be seen on practically every TV channel.

Women, especially those with long hair, have an obvious advantage and the West Bengal chief minister has been seen rushing to and fro all across Kolkata. She’s really letting her hair down. That is making some people tear their hair out.

Sardarjis too are immune and the Punjab chief minister has been moving around fearlessly. And despite the carnage in air travel, the central aviation minister hasn’t turned a hair.

Kerala’s Communist Finance Minister Thomas Isaac has taken the opportunity to try to look a bit like Karl Marx, whose photographs imply he thought haircuts were a capitalist plot. And Rahul Gandhi’s haircut gives him a boyish look — a mother’s touch is very visible.

That brings me to Nitin Gadkari, who is perhaps the central minister most to be seen on TV these days. Immaculately groomed, with not a hair out of place, it’s obvious he has been sheared by a very talented cabinet colleague.

I watched him give an impassioned interview about how to attract companies moving out of China, but could scarcely pay attention when I excitedly saw that, in addition to a stylish haircut, his hair was also dyed perfectly black.

In fact, the entire Chinese Politburo continued to have identical jet black hair during their lockdown, no doubt because they took turns dyeing each other’s hair. But North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un unfortunately had his hair cut by his sister, which was what led to his hiding from public view for several weeks, sparking conjecture in the West about his demise.

In the West, President Trump has long been suspected to wear a wig, which is why he has had no qualms about holding press conferences. Rumour has it that Boris Johnson’s hair was surreptitiously cut by a nurse when he was in the ICU, because she couldn’t stand looking at it any longer.

But there is no doubt that managing haircuts is becoming a major problem. One unconfirmed story doing the rounds is that the reason why Karnataka chief minister Yeddyurappa took the ill-considered decision to stop the migrant trains for a day was because he was having a bad hair day. I have been writing this piece for the same reason.

Perhaps the biggest mystery is that of Nirmala Sitharaman, who used to give press conferences almost every week, but has been almost invisible after the lockdown. What could have happened to her?

Thankfully I have been able to unearth a very unreliable source who claims to be her cook’s son-in-law’s friend. He told me, in hushed tones, that the reason the Finance Minister is not seen in public is because her hair stood on end when she saw the fiscal deficit number for this year and, despite her best attempts, has refused to be brushed down.