I have been alone through this lockdown. I have a partner, but I tend to put myself to sleep by using sexually explicit material. Am I addicted?
Consuming material with sexually explicit content is not something to be ashamed of or to assume you do it because you are addicted to it. Or, that you must be single or away from your partner to do it. Some people engage in this together, some do it separately because they like different things, and some don’t do it all. People are warned about ‘getting addicted’ as if it were an inevitable consequence, but it’s not. Doing it compulsively, not being able to do without it, letting it disrupt one’s life or one’s functioning, spending inordinate amounts of money on it – these would be some signs that it is getting the better of one, if at all it is.
How long should I wait before having sex with someone not living with me?
The short answer: you’ll have to wait until we stop seeing reported cases of COVID-19 or until a vaccine is made. A recent Harvard Health blog said that the virus could spread through intimacy, because in some people it could be in the incubation period (presymptomatic), while some may never develop obvious symptoms despite carrying it (asymptomatic). COVID-19 is transmitted through the air and contact, and kissing or touching pushes up the risk of it entering the body (a mask doesn’t help here). Casual sex anyway constitutes risky behaviour, and the virus adds an additional element of risk. Even if you’re in a committed relationship, it’s best avoided if you’re living apart.
Are there any precautions to take while having intercourse as a couple — we’ve been married many years?
Even if you’re living with the person, it’s important to know where your partner has been. If your partner has been in a hospital, for instance, or is a social worker interacting with many people, it’s best avoided for at least 14 days. If you have both been home, only stepping out for basic groceries, bathe well before getting intimate. Articles like leather belts, wallets, shoes, and phones are objects the virus sticks to, so avoid touching these before or during intercourse. If your partner has recovered from COVID-19, avoid intercourse for 14 days at least.
We are a couple and we seem to be having a great deal more sex than usual. Could this be escapism?
When starkly reminded of our own mortality and that of our loved ones, some people turn inwards while others reach out. Heightened tension can make for heightened desire just as it can have the opposite effect. If you are having more sex than usual, just enjoy it (and make sure you have enough safe supplies)! It can be a search for solace, a respite from worry, a break from boredom, or moments of pure light-hearted fun. If it is escapism, as you wonder, it is still a way for the two of you to jointly deal with the current reality of the pandemic, and an enjoyable way at that.
I’m exhausted at the end of the day, but my partner feels he needs sex, and I don’t. He says I’m holding it back from him. Am I wrong?
Many people are exhausted taking care of home, family and work, during this pandemic. Added to an increased workload could be feelings of uncertainty about the future and anxiety about loved ones, near and far. These are not easy times. Different people react differently; for some, sex is a form of connection and stress release, while for others it is the last thing on their mind. Neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Could you lovingly communicate to your partner that it is not that you are rejecting him, or withholding sex from him, but that you are simply exhausted? Maybe suggest some other joint activities as a different way of connecting and finding intimacy? It works, to many couples’ delight!
There’s nothing terribly wrong with our relationship, but we just don’t feel up to sex... Is that normal?
There’s nothing wrong with the people who are not having sex during this pandemic and nothing wrong with the ones who are. There could be many reasons why you are not feeling up to it. With the cloud of fear that many people are living under, it’s hard for them to do things that were a part of their lives pre-COVID-19. Don’t make ‘not having sex’ into a drama. And don’t compare yourselves with others who are having sex, or more than they did earlier. Remember, everyone is unique. Be kind and gentle with each other; if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn’t, that’s okay too.