If things went according to plan, by now lakhs of parched Tamil kudimagans (of whom I am one, mind you) would have broken the shackles of imposed temperance and displayed their determination and fighting spirit fighting for their spirits outside the doors of myriad TASMAC outlets.
While I like a drink now and then (more then than now, sigh), I am aware of my shortcomings. Being an anaemic writer of weak prose, my personal seat doesn’t have the requisite padding for the spontaneous reception of police lathis.
So, for the non-man’s man like myself, of whom there are many, I have come up with how one can experience the benefits of liquor while not having access to any — using the principles of method acting and cognitive therapy.
Yoga
If you are a practitioner of yoga, this won’t work. But if you like spirits, most likely, you won’t be one. Yoga and liquor, we know, are like Arnab and Tharoor. Pick a YouTube video and jump right into yoganidrasana or garbha pindasana. If you are stuck in a position where your nose is directly in line with something God never intended, and it looks like you will be in that position till the advent of achhe din, you’ve won. What you experience for the next three days will feel like a hangover. You will hate life, promise yourself you’ll never do it again. Exactly like drinking.
Call up people you shouldn’t be calling
Ring up an ex. Ring up your boss. In fact, put them on a conference call and bring in your wife. Let things unfold spontaneously. Tell your ex why she made a mistake leaving you. And that you married your current wife because she makes better kothu parotta. Tell your boss he deserves to be with your ex because they’re both ugly. Look your wife straight in the eye and say ‘I’m not scared of you’. You’ll regret everything the next morning. Exactly like drinking.
Show your expertise
Call up your drinking buddies and speak at length about astrobiology. No, it isn’t what Swami Nithyananda majored in. It is the exploration of life outside Earth and the investigation of the origin of life on Earth. But you could say it is learning biology while looking at Bejan Daruwallah’s predictions for 2020. Become an expert. On the sex life of the African palm civet, the Negotiable Instruments Act, 1881. Anything. You know everything. Exactly like drinking.
Be a man
Go on, sneak out of your house. Stand at the street corner. Take a long, satisfying whizz. Attempt making an infinity sign on the wall. Sing an old Kishore Kumar song in Sirkazhi Govindarajan’s voice, off-key, with made-up lyrics. Threaten the lone cyclist on the road. Ask him if he knows who your father is. If he doesn’t, call your dad on the phone and introduce him to the cyclist. Ask your father if he knows who you are. Feel like a man. Exactly like drinking.
Fake it
Fill up that empty bottle of Dalwhinnie, the one your uncle brought you from his trip to Spain three months ago, with tea. Put some ice in a glass. There is no shame in having a single malt with ice. Take a pic. Post it on FB. Have all your friends say ‘You’re the man’ on your post. Get 432 likes. Go to bed weeping about how miserable your life is. Exactly like drinking.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.