My partner of 24 years cheated on me with his coworker. Is there a way to repair my relationship?

After 24 years of being in a relationship, I caught my partner having an affair with a coworker.

She started the affair by contacting him, but he allowed it to happen. He also claims they never had sex, but I'm not sure I can believe him. How do know if my relationship will work?

- Massachusetts

Dear Massachusetts,

It's perfectly normal to question your partner after he broke your trust. Even if he didn't have penetrative sex with his coworker, you're allowed to feel betrayed and unsure about the future of your relationship.

But you also have two choices here: Rebuild your relationship from the ground up, or move on.

If you feel like your relationship is one worth fixing, it is possible. But it'll be a long and difficult process, and one that requires you and your partner are all-in.

As psychotherapist Tammy Nelson told me, a post-affair relationship can only work if you and your partner redefine what it means to be in a partnership together, which Nelson calls a "wake up or break up moment."

"If you are going to wake up and change your relationship and [yourself,] it could be an incredible moment," she said.

Of course, you should take the time you need to feel angry, upset, or whatever other emotions you have regarding your partner's indiscretions. If you want to stay with him though, you eventually have to figure out how to trust him again. Trust isn't rebuilt overnight, but working on honest and open communication can help you get there slowly but surely.

For starters, you'll have to sit down together and have a not-so-fun talk about the affair. Why did he decide to cheat? How did that experience make him feel? How did it make you feel when you caught him?

Hearing his perspective will be uncomfortable, and it'll be uncomfortable for him to explain himself too. But unless you have this conversation, you won't gain an understanding of how to improve your relationship dynamic moving forward.

"The person doing the cheating needs to be somewhat unsettled and allow themselves to be disrupted by the experience," Matt Lundquist, the founder of Tribeca Therapy in New York City previously told me. "It needs to be treated as a significant life event. It needs to hurt a little in order to grow and change."

But if you or your partner aren't willing to have this difficult talk, and if he's unwilling to say he's sorry for his actions, it's unlikely your relationship will endure in a way that serves both of you.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.

Related coverage from Doing It Right:

My partner won't have sex until marriage, but I'm very sexual. Should I have an affair to get it out of my system?

I'm having an affair with my best friend's partner, and he's become manipulative. Should I come clean?

My antidepressants make it difficult to orgasm. How do I tell my partner and make sex fun again?

Read the original article on Insider