1. Set up the phone camera to capture this on video. Play gentle soothing classical music as a background to your video.
  2. Wear all the makeup you’ve been deprived of, for the last month.
  3. Introduce this as the first of the 1,000 masks you are making for the needy.
  4. Cut out a square of cloth.
  5. Placate your spoilsport husband that his favourite T-shirt will now be put to better use – for the needy.
  6. Furiously tell him to stitch his precious square of cloth back on to his precious faded T-shirt. Himself! Fat lot he cares for the needy!
  7. Ignore his sarcastic comments about your poor geometry because that isn’t a square.
  8. Use your teen’s bandana instead. It’s already square. Phew!
  9. Fold it neatly into accordion folds.
  10. The dratted thing won’t fold. It keeps slipping.
  11. It’s slippery with hair gel! Your teen is destroying his hair (with already balding family genes) by using hair gel? Threaten to disinherit your teen. Realise the video is running.
  12. Use the stupid kitchen napkin as the stupid square cloth. It smells of haldi when you cover your nose, but haldi is a disinfectant. Yay! Killing two birds with one stone, you say to the camera.
  13. Your daughter says that is the cruellest idiom ever. Mutter about how no one has a sense of humour but you.
  14. Now, pull rubber bands around the ends of the folded napkin. Tuck the ends in and staple them together.
  15. Realise you’ve stapled them to the tablecloth.
  16. Try removing the staples. Poke your finger. Curse under your breath.
  17. Your daughter reminds you to maintain your sense of humour.
  18. The classical music piece in the background ends and the wailing of alley cats begins next.
  19. Your teen says it is the latest hit. It certainly sounds like someone’s being hit.
  20. Hold the beautiful simple mask up to the camera.
  21. The folds unfold. Rapidly re-fold them, maintaining your glowing sense of humour.
  22. Snap the rubber bands around your ears.
  23. They nearly slice off your ears. Screech! Thankfully, your screeches blend into the cat-wailing music.
  24. Realise your kitchen napkin has recently mopped up chilli powder. Coughing fit, runny nose.
  25. Assure your viewers your mask will NOT give people coronavirus symptoms.
  26. Thank everyone for watching; the cat wailing reaches a climax, drowning out your words.
  27. Post the video.
  28. Receive instant requests from all sorts of needy people to supply them with the 1,000 masks you’re making.
  29. Delete video. Begin new video: Making Hand Sanitiser in Three Simple Steps.