Is having NO sex the best thing you can do to rev up your love life? Tracey Cox tells why swapping bedroom action for bathing together and non-sexual touching could revitalise your relationship
- Tracey Cox reveals why forbidding sex could actually help your relationship
- Sex expert says forbidding sex will make it more appealing and take pressure off
- Shared top tips on exactly what to say when wanting to talk to partner about sex
Reality shows aren't known for being great sources of relationship advice but 'Too Hot to Handle', just launched on Netflix, might just be the exception.
The show bans highly sexed contestants from having any type of sexual gratification in order to win a cash prize.
You don't need to be a sex therapist to predict the effect banning sex will have on the players: they will, of course, want it more.
Which is why you really SHOULD try this one at home!
Tracey Cox reveals why forbidding sex could actually help your relationship. Pictured, stock image
Why a sex ban could work for you
Not having sex in order to have more and better sex may sound counterintuitive, but a sex detox is exactly what some therapists prescribe to restore passion in relationships that have become a bit yawnsville.
I'm not suggesting permanent abstinence. Having regular sex and orgasms is incredibly good for you and your relationship.
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I'm also not suggesting you go without sex for months or years at a time: there's evidence that stopping sex for long periods can mean you lose interest entirely.
But there is a lot to be gained by both of you agreeing to abstain for a few weeks to a month.
Here's why.
Forbidding something makes it more appealing
If you're not allowed something, you immediately want it.
Impose a sex ban and your partner - who we like to think of as on tap for sex, 24/7 - suddenly isn't available and becomes instantly more appealing because of it.
Sex expert (pictured) says forbidding sex will make it more appealing and take pressure off
Stop having it and you're forced to find other ways to communicate that aren't physical.
Banning sex recreates the same dynamic that makes affair sex so erotic.
Permission is a libido killer.
Temporary celibacy is highly effective at building sexual tension and desire.
It takes the pressure off
Almost all couples feel as if they have to live up to society's idea of what constitutes a good sex life.
We worry we're not doing it enough, not doing it correctly, whether we're having the right number and kind of orgasms.
This anxiety leads to something called 'spectatoring'. Spectatoring is when a person mentally watches his or herself having sex, rather than be in the moment.
Some therapists believe it's the primary cause of most sexual dysfunction in men.
Not surprisingly, in all genders, spectatoring makes sex stressful and ruins our enjoyment of it.
Taking sex off the table for a while allows you some time out; breathing space from having to worry about how you're both performing.
It can help to break bad habits
If your partner has a higher sex drive and always initiates first, you get the chance to miss it when it's removed. And to be the initiator.
If you use sex to make up after an argument, you're forced to use words and apologise from the heart instead.
If you withdraw sex to punish your partner, you're forced to confront them and admit you're frustrated or angry.
It's sometimes easier to fix relationship or sex problems when you're not having any
Park the physical side of your relationship for a while and you have the time and emotional energy to sort out any relationship problems you're experiencing.
If the love side of your relationship isn't working, the sex side won't be either.
Continuing to have sex without addressing any problems out of bed can actually make things worse.
For some couples, sex is the only time they are intimate.
She shared her top tips on exactly what to say when talking to your partner about sex. Pictured, stock image
Up for giving it a go?
For a sex detox to work effectively, you don't just stop having sex. You and your partner need to both agree on the ban and decide the time period together.
You then use the downtime to build intimacy in other ways.
Therapists call the following techniques 'intimacy exercises' – which will make you either instantly interested or want to throw up, depending on your personality.
If it's the latter, think of them are simply things which could bring you closer.
It could be as simple as this…
Have a shower or bath together
Soap each other all over and pay attention to what your partner likes and doesn't like.
The person being 'soaped' gives a running commentary on how it's feeling: it's a great way to get into the habit of talking freely and spontaneously about your feelings and sensations.
Move from the shower or bath to the bed for some good old-fashioned body massages, using a variety of touches (but none directly on any erogenous zones or the genitals).
That went OK?
Give this one a try.
The five-minute full frontal
Sit opposite each other (the position doesn't matter, so long as you're both comfortable) and stare into each other's eyes and faces for a full five minutes.
Yes, you'll both burst into laughing to start with but just keep going.
Set the timer on your phone then REALLY look at your partner and see them as they really are.
We all have an image of our partner which we carry around in our heads – often it's based on when we first met.
The person before you has changed since then.
Notice the changes (with a positive slant ie 'How much wiser they look!' rather than 'Jesus! When did they start looking this old?'). Then each take each other's hands and examine those for a further five minutes.
For the next step, remove your clothes and examine each other's bodies (five minutes again) – but only using your hands and eyes.
Remember, you're exploring and observing NOT stimulating.
Even if you do find this highly erotic, don't act on it or deliberately touch to turn on.
Don't speak during the exercise. Only when you've finished, give each other a rundown on what felt good, what didn't and what you discovered about each other.
Try The Sensate Focus Programme
If you want to go old-school try this renown sex therapy technique.
This program was standard practise for couples who'd lost a sexual connection right back when I wrote my first ever book in 1999.
The reason why it's still around is that we're all guilty of focusing on the mechanics of sex rather than the emotional side – and that doesn't always pay off.
Lust needs bedfellows to work long-term. It needs togetherness and closeness as companions. This exercise is designed to get all three talking.
Sensate focus basically involves getting naked and taking turns caressing each other.
Non-erotic to start with, then moving on to include erogenous zones and the genitals.
You advance slowly: progressing from non-sexual to sexual touching could take weeks or months not days.
The concept is simple: the person whose turn it is to touch, focuses purely on doing just that. The recipient simply allows them to do it.
No-one has to worry about or take care of anyone else: you can completely relax and be in the moment because there are no goals.
With our short attention spans and longing to broadcast every waking moment on social media, this isn't as easy as it sounds because true intimacy requires mindfulness.
Paying attention without judgement and being in the present moment.
Something we find increasingly hard to do in today's technology-based world but really should master.
You'll find new products in Tracey's supersex range at lovehoney. Her new book, Great Sex Starts at 50, is available online or in good bookshops.
