Shower saga: The hot and cold of taking a bath in India

BENGALURU: Throughout much of my childhood, I hated the idea of taking a bath. I would be pulled by my ear in the middle of street- cricket matches to take a bath. Or my parents wouldn’t serve me breakfast till I took a shower. But as an adult, I am constantly looking for excuses to take a shower. Perhaps life itself is a journey from hating baths to cherishing them. For a child, a bath is an interruption from games, television and video games. For an adult, a shower is an oasis from the chaos of the world. Fifteen minutes of meditative silence where the body is busy, but the mind  is blank. I have come up with many stand-up sets and column ideas while taking a shower. 

If you think about it, we live in the best times to take a shower. We have hot water with the press of a button. We have speakers that can be used in the shower if you like listening to songs. Our ancestors didn’t have it so easy. Back in the day, one assumes a bath could mean being ambushed by wild animals, or slipping into a lake. If soaps were made back in the day, they would be named ‘Life, boy!’. 

And yet, the question remains to be asked. Have we reached the pinnacle of bathing technology? I would like to humbly differ. As a stand-up comedian, I travel to a number of cities. Apart from the tourist sights, the common thread to all the hotels is the complicated shower system. To a layman, it might seem like nitpicking. But if you’re among the few enlightened ones who has unlocked the meditative qualities of a bath, you’d be in a better place to understand my predicament. 

For starters, one needs to hit the exact temperature of hot water. Like there are many paths to salvation, there are different temperatures of hot water, each unique to the user. Yet, like The Buddha, we all choose the middle path – one with a healthy mix of hot and cold water. If the water is too cold, you feel like an Eskimo streaker in Alaska. And if it’s too hot, you feel like you’re paying for the sins of your forefathers in hell. 

And yet, every bathroom in the world has its own permutation-combination of showers and geysers. I spend half my time turning the knobs to reach the Golden Ratio. I enter the bathroom to take a shower, and step out as a DJ. I have often thought of this conundrum, and have a strong conspiracy theory about the state of our bathrooms. 

I believe that many, many years ago, tap and geyser companies were on good terms. But something went wrong between the two, leading to substantial bitterness and angst. Since then, tap and geyser companies do not see eye to eye. As a result, we Indians have to go through Time-Machine like knobs, with enough expertise to qualify as an intern in NASA. 

I have a dream. And while it might not be as great as Dr. King’s, I have a dream that one day, all I’ll have to do for a hot shower is press a button. I do not know if industry honchos read my column. But if you’re reading this column, Mr. Ambani and Mr. Tata, I urge you to mediate between tap and geyser companies. It will be a noble cause for urban Indian youth. And remember, a happy bather might be a loyal voter. Before we Make in India, let’s Bathe in India!