Married At First Sight RECAP: The ice cube dealer beds his ex-bikie bride in a true underdog story as ALEX MICHAEL reveals which couple has zero chance
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Shakespeare couldn't have written a love story as complex as the one Married At First Sight just delivered.
On Wednesday's honeymoon spectacular, ice cube dealer Michael Goonan pulled off the unlikeliest marriage rescue since Beau Ryan kept Kara.
Relegated to the doghouse after downing three bottles of Cab Sav and being 'a bit of an a**ehole' to his wife, Stacey Hampton, Michael turned on the waterworks for the apology of the century.
The result was this season's first confirmed consummation. Bet you Sportsbet lost heaps on that one!
The ice cube king and his ice cold queen: On Wednesday's honeymoon spectacular, Michael Goonan pulled off the unlikeliest marriage rescue since Beau Ryan kept Kara
Michael and Stacey
'You could have Shakespeare out here and he couldn't write a better apology than I just said,' Michael boasted after pulling a marriage out of his hat.
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Bless him. He thinks Shakespeare is still alive.
The night before, Hurricane Michael had left a technicolor burp trail of chaos and destruction in his wake as he ran riot on the streets of Fiji.
The morning after: The night before, Hurricane Michael had left a technicolor burp trail of chaos and destruction in his wake as he ran riot on the streets of Fiji. Stacey was not happy
'Shakespeare couldn't write a better apology than I just gave': Oh, what a difference an emasculating apology makes. Michael somehow got Stacey to drop the strop
'My idea of fun is getting a bit loose,' he explained to producers.
Mike, a random wedding to a woman you've never met is 'a bit loose'. What you did last night makes Todd Carney look like a teetotaller.
Do you agree? Email Alex.Michael@mailonline.com
Stacey was seething. She had the look of a woman ready to pop down to the hotel computer room to find a Fijian hitman on the dark web.
But, oh, what a difference an emasculating, scripted apology makes.
The incredible turnaround took place during a picnic that afternoon, when Michael finally had enough electrolytes in his system to start grovelling.
'I have something to tell you,' Stacey said, a short while after they'd made up.
The life drained from Michael's face as he prepared for the pregnancy announcement.
But what we got instead was a genuinely heartbreaking moment, as Stacey discussed the tragic deaths of her father and brother.
Wow, look at me now! The incredible turnaround took place during a picnic that afternoon, when Michael finally had enough electrolytes in his system to start grovelling
Heaven is a place on earth: When Stacey finally offered a mild compliment, Michael's eyes widened like he'd just witnessed the second coming of Christ
'I feel really lucky to have you in my presence,' Stacey conceded later that night.
It didn't sound like much, but Michael's eyes widened like he'd just witnessed the second coming of Christ.
In fairness, a compliment from Stacey is just as miraculous.
Mishel and Steve
Falling for you: Over in Queenstown, New Zealand, Mishel and Steve spent their whole honeymoon literally falling for each other
Over in Queenstown, Mishel and Steve spent their honeymoon literally falling for each other.
As it turns out, Mishel is a closeted adrenaline junkie - which is weird because she has the coordination of a Woolworths shopping trolley.
It was like FailArmy: The Movie, with the pair face-planting their way through a tour of New Zealand's most daring attractions.
Short stack: As it turns out, Mishel is a closeted adrenaline junkie - which is weird because she has the coordination of a Woolworths shopping trolley
They each took turns laughing in each other's faces as they stacked on the ski slopes and plowed luges into oncoming pedestrians.
Eventually, Mishel's need for speed ran dry and she started having notably stroppy withdrawals. Everything was a hassle.
Steve finally cracked it over a fireside beverage.
I don't want any problems! Eventually, Mishel's need for speed ran dry and she started having notably stroppy withdrawals. Steve finally cracked it and the fight was on!
When Mishel gets angry, she starts bobbing her head like an emu, so this fight was a sight to behold.
At this stage, her face went bright red.
I couldn't tell if that was because a) She's 'pausing again (Mishel's verb for a 'menopausal hot flush'), or b) Nobody told her you can get sunburned at the snow.
So emu-tional: When Mishel gets angry, she starts bobbing her head like an emu, so this fight was a sight to behold
Connie and Jonethen
Kiss off! The story of this boring honeymoon: shy Connie is desperate to end a year-long kiss drought and Jonethen is just not feeling it
The story of this boring honeymoon: shy Connie is desperate to end a year-long kiss drought and Jonethen is just not feeling it.
Cut to Dr Trisha Stratford, who has been brought in to explain that it's not the experts who are wrong, but us, the viewers, for doubting the viability of these wet blankets.
And what do we do with wet blankets, Trisha? No, not smell them! We donate them to goodwill, or we throw them out, because they are RUBBISH.
The fixer: Cut to Dr Trisha Stratford, who has been brought in to explain that it's not the experts who are wrong, but us, the viewers, for doubting the viability of these wet blankets
Ivan and Aleks
A mild ride: Who would've thought Aleks and Ivan, the couple who had the wildest wedding, would be responsible for the most tame honeymoon?
Who would've thought that Aleks and Ivan, the couple who had the wildest wedding, would be responsible for the most tame honeymoon?
'Unique individual' Ivan lost his phone down the back of a Rolls-Royce and broke the seat trying to retrieve it. That's about it.
'Unique individual': Ivan lost his phone down the back of a Rolls-Royce and broke the seat trying to retrieve it. That's about it
'We're in a Rollsy, you don't need to be using your phone!' Aleks complained.
Come on Aleks, it's 2020. Do you know how interesting you have to be just to make people look up from their phones? You're going to have to bring more to the table than bogan abbreviations of luxury vehicles.
Married At First Sight continues Wednesday at 7:30pm on Channel Nine
'We're in a Rollsy, you don't need to be using your phone!' Come on Aleks, it's 2020. Do you know how interesting you have to be just to make people look up from their phones?
