Humans crave variety. All these religions, so many languages, even ways to cook rice! Strange then, in spite of all this variety that we crave, we are still content having just one word to describe love. Which is why, for centuries, we have found ways to enhance this shortcoming. It leaves a lot to the imagination, many, many ways to express and convey love, even if that definition morphs over time. Now Valentine’s Day may not be a new concept, but now, we have a corporate day dedicated to celebrating an emotion. It sounds wholistic, but, in fact, is so profitable that I am sure Hallmark has an internal celebration called ‘Bonus Day’.
So, on the 14th of every February, people the world over experience a mental eclipse. It is when the heart moves straight into a direct line between reason and sanity, casting a shadow which lasts about 24 hours. Side effects include an inability to calculate cost-to-value ratio which can lead to relentless spending. It peaks around 8 pm. It is quite apocalyptic and zombie-like; therefore, in many circles, it is called the ‘Diá de Los Idiots’.
Now why celebrate catatonia... aren’t Monday noons at office bad enough? But hey, if we can have a Day for singles (November 11), losers (June 9) or worse still, vegans (November 1), why not one for a day when the heart spews out more sickening love bile than Rupi Kaur.
In case you have big plans this year to celebrate this aka ‘Gift a Pre-Nup’ Day, then you may stop reading here and go back to the galaxy you came from. But if you haven’t decided how to surprise your partner to get ‘Awwwws’ against the usual ‘Aw, man, why?’, here is some gifting advice.
Lower the bar
Spend the weeks, nay, months preceding the aka ‘Evening of Eventualities’ telling your partner how you (a) are low on funds, (b) been too busy to plan something concrete or (c) always found items you wanted out of stock…Small, niggling but excusable sequiturs which will generally serve to subconsciously lower expectations. Just be careful to time it right, too long and said partner might just see this as a sign to pack bags and leave.
Book/cover rule
Most gifts get judged by their cover so never put together a pretty parcel. Keep it sloppy — dirty, greasy, random bits of glue and tape — and that’s just you while trying to wrap the gift. People will immediately expect a substandard gift from the look of the package so whatever follows should be a spirit-raiser; which is more than I can say for aka ‘Instagram-filters for Real Emotions’ day.
Resolutions
If you were smart, you possibly instilled a resolution at the beginning of the year to not belittle your relationship with petty materialism involving gifts. The 14th day of the second month of the year is too early to give up on resolutions. That should see you sail through. Only downside is if your birthday happens to fall in-between.
Clime of the times
Climate change, right wing world leaders, CAA/NPR, rising oceans, rising cost of living, sinking savings, sunk future prospects — how can anyone celebrate this aka ‘More Fantasy than Disney’ Day at ease? Surely, considering gifts in such sombre times would be inappropriate.
And remember, don’t fret if you, secretly but noticeably, push the envelope of ‘No Gifts’ too hard and things go pear-shaped because, February 17 is ‘Random Act of Kindness’ Day which gives you a fighting chance and some hope to revive that flame. To sum up, this year, for ‘Chaos Over Logic’ Day, be content with the simpler joys. If your lover grows a rose and gifts you the plant, be happy. Or scrambled eggs in bed. Maybe a rendition of your favourite Queen song. Eschew materialism. But in the back of your head also remember that if you don’t get a gift in that iconic Tiffany Blue (although to me it is green) box, then it surely went to someone else.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.