Is your sex life 'normal'? Therapist answers the most common questions she's asked by couples - and reveals how to fix a sexless relationship
- A relationship counsellor answered the most common questions from couples
- Matty Silver revealed there is no 'magic number' for how much sex to have
- Matty said you can fix a sexless relationship if you identify the problem
- She also explained sometimes cheating can strengthen a relationship
A relationship counsellor and sex therapist has answered the most common questions she's asked by couples - and revealed how to fix a sexless relationship.
Matty Silver - who is the author of the new book Sex Down Under - revealed that while you might think there is a 'magic number' for the amount of sex you should be having, in fact this depends on so many different factors.
'I always tell my clients there is no "normal",' Matty told FEMAIL.
A relationship counsellor and sex therapist has answered the most common questions she's asked by couples - and revealed how to fix a sexless relationship (stock image)
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'It sounds simple, but there are no right answers. A couple's sex life is affected by so many different factors - age, lifestyle, each partner's health and sex drive, and most importantly the quality of their relationship.'
Matty Silver (pictured) said there is no 'normal' amount for how much sex you should be having
She said that the question of 'how much sex is normal?' often comes up when a couple has what is called 'mismatched libidos'.
'Say for instance, if the woman likes to have sex four times a week and he only once or twice, then they want to find out who is the abnormal one,' Matty told FEMAIL.
'It's not unusual for couples to have different levels of desire, as it's not that normal to find a partner with the same sex drive.'
The relationship expert explained that she has come across happy couples who have sex every single day, once a week or once a month as 'it's not a matter of quantity, but quality'.
'More important than the frequency of sex is how satisfied couples are with their sex lives,' she said.
'Less sex doesn't automatically equate to less love, happiness and fulfillment, especially for couples who have been together for a long time.
'Instead, for them, companionship, trust and mutual reliability are often more important than tonnes of steamy sex.'
One of the biggest issues Matty said she has come across is 'sexual jealousy' - which she said will often suffocate and poison a relationship (stock image)
Matty is the author of a new book, Sex Down Under (pictured)
Elsewhere in her job, Matty said she has come across scores of relationship complaints - from mismatched libidos to sexual jealousy.
'Sexual jealousy is a big issue,' she said. 'It will suffocate and poison a relationship.
'Some people have such a fear that their partner might be cheating, that they use social media such as Facebook to keep checking which friends their partners are talking to.
'They sometimes even insist on having access to their partners' emails and mobile phones.'
Matty said that the best way to deal with this issue is to realise that jealousy is often a lot to do with self-esteem.
'If you are happy with yourself, you are much more likely to think: Why would my partner want anyone else when they are lucky enough to have me?
'A healthy ego is the best protection against jealousy.
For those who want to fix a sexless relationship, the counsellor has a few top tips.
'It's difficult enough to talk about your sex life, but admitting you don't have one at all can be embarrassing,' she said.
'And often, couples believe they are the only ones with this problem.'
Matty said that a sexless is relationship is defined as having sex fewer than 10 times a year - and the first step to dealing with it to talk about your problems.
'When I talk to clients who are in a relationship that is lacking sex, my advice is: start fixing the issues before it is too late,' she said.
'When couples don't sort out their problems, sooner or later the resentment will surface and intimacy and sex will go on the backburner.'
If problems are not able to be discussed together, then she recommends you consult an expert of a therapist.
'Not all sexless relationships are doomed,' she added.
'Sometimes, all you need is expert help so you are taught the skills to communicate openly and directly with each other about your feelings, problems and concerns.'
Lastly, the relationship expert revealed that while she is not pro cheating, there are times when an affair can help a relationship.
'It is a terrible shock when a person finds out his or her partner has been unfaithful – and the immediate response is usually a combination of disbelief and anger,' Matty said.
But rather than fly off the handle straight away, instead she said you need to try to calm down.
'Do not tell everyone about it, maybe just one good friend,' she said.
Matty added that often throwing a partner out of the house after an affair, especially when there are kids involved, is never a good idea.
'There is a rather unforgiving attitude towards infidelity in Australia, which I believe is damaging and driving couples to divorce and children to suffer,' she said.
'Several European countries have more accepting attitudes and have lower divorce rates.'
Matty highlighted that often with relationships, the person doesn't intend to hurt their partner - rather, they may just feel under-appreciated and they might crave intimacy.
'I believe there are times when an affair can rescue a marriage or relationship and can even make it stronger,' she said.
'Starting to understand an affair and how it happened can help provide clarity and give answers to the many questions a couple may feel are still unanswered.
'This is not about assigning blame, but a time to deconstruct the affair and find out where the roots of the infidelity started.'
Finally, she said, once you have got to the root of the cheating, then it is important to try to make decisions together about how your relationship can best move forward.
Sex Down Under by Matty Silver, New Holland Publishers, RRP $29.99, is available from all good book retailers or online www.newhollandpublishers.com.
