Steph & Dom solve your sex, love & life troubles: He read my texts to a friend – and now hates me
- An anonymous reader asked for advice on her husband reading her messages
- She says they got into a row after he read her messages complaining to a friend
- Steph advised the reader to put herself in her husband's shoes and to apologies
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q: Last weekend, I got in a big row with my husband after he read some messages I’d sent to a friend — about him.
He often borrows my laptop without asking — which I don’t mind — but this time, it turns out I’d left my Facebook open, and he claims a message popped up that he ‘couldn’t help but see’.
I had been complaining to my friend that he never pulls his weight around the house . . . my husband and I are both in our early 50s, work full-time and have two children.
An anonymous reader asked TV's Steph and Dom Parker for advice on her husband reading her messages (file image)
I feel like he just expects me to clean up after everyone, including him. It’s driving me mad, and I just needed to vent. I never thought he’d see it, but he did and confronted me.
I was so angry — it feels like an invasion of privacy for him to have read my messages.
He’s always reading my texts over my shoulder, too, which is infuriating. What do I do?
STEPH SAYS: Your letter could not have come at a better time because, as I type, I’m in the middle of a row with my husband. We are fighting about chores.
With the kids heading back to school, there’s laundry everywhere. And if my darling husband interrupts me one more time to ask about something that needs doing — or, worse, tries to do it himself and does it wrong, then I am going to lose it!
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So I am hugely sympathetic to your problem and understand the frustration that led you to send the messages that have caused the issue. Because this happens in every relationship.
Now, I don’t have all the answers — if I did, I wouldn’t currently be bickering with my beloved — but I do know one thing that will help.
Be honest with yourself. Admit that there is nothing particularly outrageous about your husband. If he simply does less than you? Well, welcome to the vast majority of relationships. It may be taboo to admit it, but, generally speaking, women do far more than men at home. We just do. If we want things to be the way we like them, that is.
For example, Dom will happily do the shopping. But if I don’t send pictures — actual photographs — of what’s required, he will get the wrong thing. Every. Single. Time.
Steph (pictured left with Dom) advised the reader to put herself in her husband's shoes to imagine how hurt the messages would've made him feel
So I send him the pictures. If I allowed it to, it could really annoy me. So I simply accept that’s the way it is and remind myself I love him and it doesn’t really matter.
And if that isn’t enough? Then I moan about it to a friend! It’s part of the way women interact with each other. Because we want to share our irritations.
When we talk about a problem with a man, he will try to fix it, but, often, that’s not what we really want. We want to share our feelings, connect, be heard and validated. To know that our concerns are totally normal and shared by everyone.
And that’s what you have to make clear to your husband. He thinks there is something far more sinister going on. Tell him you felt overwhelmed and vented to a friend. That is all.
He obviously feels insecure, and I would imagine that is partly due to the fact that these are messages he has read. The written word carries more weight than it should.
Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if you read a string of messages slagging you off — you would be hurt. So apologise and move on. Offer to show him your other messages. There should be no secrets between you.
And next time? See your friend in real life!
DOM SAYS: Hmm. Well, this is an interesting one. I’ll start by saying that neither Steph nor I have anything to hide from each other, but we would never read each other’s messages unless we were expressly invited to do so.
Even then, it can feel a little uncomfortable. A few days ago, I asked Steph to reply to a text for me, as I was driving, and, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her scroll back up the thread.
Dom (pictured) says her husband was rude to read the messages and should apologies
Now, despite the fact that I’d asked her to do so, and even though there is literally nothing I would like to keep from her, I confess I felt rather strange.
One’s texts are snippets of a conversation, I suppose, and, if it was a conversation between two, it feels slightly odd to open it up to three.
So I can well understand that you would be put out by your husband hovering around your screen.
It is simply rude to read over someone’s shoulder.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s your husband, wife, colleague or friend. We are all naturally inquisitive — but it’s just not done. However, forget his beady eye on your text messages. What your husband has done here is worse. Reading your emails or social media messages is basically the equivalent of reading your post or, worse, your diary — a total invasion of privacy and not on at all.
I think he is squarely in the wrong for having done so, and I have no compunction in recommending that you change the password for your laptop and lock him out of it.
You should also ask him for an apology.
But then you should offer him an apology, too. For you are also in the wrong here. You are guilty of washing your dirty laundry in public and have embarrassed your husband. I’d be very upset if Steph did this.
There are ways to let off steam and tackle problems, and this is not one of them.
I wouldn’t mind a bit if my wife moaned about me on the phone to a friend in front of me — but behind my back? Nope. Not keen on that.
So acknowledge your spouse’s upset and tell him you’re sorry for hurting his feelings.
Then? Tackle the underlying problem, which seems to be that he’s not pulling his weight.
You say you both work. Well then, you share the work at home, too.
Remind your husband that being in possession of a pair of testicles is no barrier to being able to sling a Hoover around from time to time!
Real men aren’t afraid to do their fair share at home.
If you have a question you’d like Steph and Dom to tackle, write to: stephanddom@dailymail.co.uk
