Nilanjana Ghosh was not prepared for her 13-year-old daughter’s reaction when she told the teenager that she was dating one of her colleagues. Nilanjana was married to her first husband for five years before he left her for another woman. After a bitter divorce, it took Nilanjana almost a decade to gather her courage to trust another man. In her late thirties now, Nilanjana was determined to not repeat the mistakes of entering wedlock without knowing the man properly. So, when her colleague and friend Amitav Chatterjee proposed her for marriage, she told him that they would have to wait for another two years. In the meantime, she had another tough battle to fight: How to break the news to her daughter Riya?
The fear of being judged by Riya stopped Nilanjana from telling her the complete truth. So, during their 2-year-long courtship, all Riya knew was that Amitav was her mother’s colleague and friend.
“When I told Riya about our relationship, her first reaction was anger. She even called me a liar and threatened to leave me and go to her father. She then called up her grandmother and asked her to stop me from marrying Amitav. Riya also refused to go to school for weeks,” said Nilanjana, who is still waiting for her daughter’s approval and acceptance.
This is the biggest dilemma most single parents who started dating face—whether to introduce or not to introduce the partner to the child. “It is very important to prepare the child beforehand. Even before a single parent starts dating, he or she should sensitize a child to the concept of having a relationship. They could introduce this idea to the child by encouraging them to read stories or watch movies about parents dating or getting married for the second time. And then it’s very important to inform the child that you are going on a date or are exploring relationships so that the child is prepared and it does not come as a shock,” advised Rachana Awatramani, a Counselling Psychologist at Insight Counseling Services in Mumbai.
But lying to the child or introducing a boyfriend or girlfriend as ‘just a friend’ is an absolute no-no. “Under no circumstances should the child feel cheated and lying about the relationship initially might seem easy. But it would make it difficult for the child to accept the truth later. Open communication between the parent and the child plays an important role. And it’s very important to normalise the concept of a single parent going on a date or exploring a relationship,” added Awatramani.
There is another hurdle that most single parents struggle to overcome—how do they know that they are ready to date or explore a new relationship? “There are a couple of internal points you can ponder upon. First, are you almost, even if not fully, over with any kind of hurt or anger. The purpose of dating can be casual or a long-term companionship. Are you aware of your purpose? Also, make sure you keep it light and enjoyable for yourself. Contribute to the joy of a date,” said Ashish Sehgal, Life and Relationship Coach, NLP Authority.
Although people’s perception of single parents dating or remarrying has changed, yet there still seem to be some prejudices or people are yet to learn how to prepare their children about it. “It’s common practice in India where a single parent, especially a father, would often explain to the child that he is getting married to bring home a mother for the child. Thereby making the child feel he is the reason for the marriage. It’s important to let the child know the real reason and the single parent should know how to explain it. Instead of passing on the idea ‘I am getting married for the child’, he or she should be open about it and let the child know that marriage is for companionship,” said Awatramani.
As a single parent, renewing your dating life can be quite challenging. But bigger the challenge, bigger will be the reward. If you are a single parent and are exploring the idea of being in a relationship, here’s what you need to know:
Never feel guilty
For every parent, the child is the top priority. Therefore, the need for a companion can make a single parent feel guilty. Guilt is a dangerous thing and it will not only hamper the relationship between the couple but also the bond between the child and the parent.
Prepare the child about relationship and companionship
Before you start dating, make sure that you prepare your child about the concept of relationship and companionship between two adults. Watching a movie like ‘Stepmom’ together can help break the ice or encouraging a child to read stories about people finding love after a bad marriage or death of a spouse too can be helpful.
Know the purpose of dating
Do you want to date because you are looking for companionship? Or just because you miss the physical presence of a partner? You might be looking for a short-term or long-term relationship but when you are with a child, it’s very important to know if it’s worth introducing the third person to him or her.
Never let the child feel cheated
Lying about a relationship can be the biggest mistake any single parent can make. Doing so will only make the child feel cheated later and make it even more difficult for him to accept the relationship.
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