How to tackle temper issues in a relationship

When two people start dating each other, everything seems rosy. But slowly, issues start surfacing between them. And, one of the major and first issues that people face in relationships is that of temper — either in both partners or one of them. Bad temper can have serious repercussion on your bond and most people may not even realise it. It can become a reason for your relationship’s downfall.

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Losing ability to reconcile

When temper manifests, there is a general loss of faith in a relationship’s ability to work out. Dr Aman Bhonsle, relationship counsellor, says, “When there are a lot of angry outbursts, people stop believing in their ability to reconcile because the wounds and the hostility have started messing with their ability to negotiate. To avoid conflict, one has to negotiate. But one can’t negotiate when there is bad temper, as partners lose trust and faith in their ability to make things better for each other.”

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Score keeping

The relationship becomes a score keeping exercise because partners try to get leverage over each other. Dr Bhonsle says, “People in such bonds try to get an edge over each other in conversations, socially and financially, to show and prove which person gets angrier. This habit can get fatiguing and can cause a burnout in the relationship.”

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Leading to breakup

Whenever a person throws tantrum, they have to remember that nobody enjoys anybody yelling at them or vice versa. Viveck Shettyy, life coach, says, “In that sense, a person at the receiving end is only tolerating you and clearly not enjoying it. There is a limit to tolerance for every individual. By throwing tantrums, the tolerance limit of the partner is constantly being tested and one fine day, they might just choose to quit.”

Resentment

Many people think that they are being mistreated by their partners, but don’t say it out loud. Niharika Mehta, psychologist, says, “When you start bottling up your anger, it leads to resentment towards your partner because it is a form of constriction and no freedom. Lack of freedom results in resentment and hatred towards the one limiting your freedom.”

Increases Distance

To escape the source of persistent temper, perhaps even unintentionally, you will start distancing yoursel from your partner. Mehta says, “It is human tendency t get away from unpleasant situations. Therefore, avoidance behaviours such as cancelling outings, not replying to messages and reduced phone calls will increase and result in creating distance between two partners.”

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First Published: Jul 20, 2019 18:16 IST