Question: I am 21 years old and belong to a middle-class family.I have seen my father talking to other women for hours. I even saw the photos of him with other girls and I am sure he is cheating on my mother. My mother also doubts but she has no idea what my father does with the other women. She always quarrels but my father anyhow manages to convince her with confident lies. I don't want to hurt my mother by telling these things to her but seriously I can't tolerate these things. I can't even tell these things to anyone. There are always so many questions but if I tell these things to my mother then everything will be shattered. I am also worried about my younger brother who only 15 years old. Please tell me what to do? -By anonymous
Response by Kamna Chhibber: The challenge with a dilemma like this is weighing the pros and cons of sharing information you have been knowing–the obvious impact the same would have, as well as the various unknowns which would follow through on account of such an action.

Your anger, disappointment, hurt, the desire to support your mother and also find a way to remedy the situation is understandable. However, this is not an easy decision and one that cannot be addressed with a simple yes or no as a response.

It is important to make a choice while being calm and fully understanding to as large an extent as is possible the numerous effects the telling of what you know will have. The conflict that it will cause is obvious. However, there is also the possibility that it results in no concrete action with your mother deciding not to do anything about it after the conflict and confrontation or even before it.

There is a chance that there may be anger directed at you for having shared what you have and this can come not just from your father but also your mother and your brother. The negative effect on your brother and the shattering of his assumptions about your parents' relationships is also a possibility as is the chance that it can make him wary of being in a relationship himself in the future.

On the flip side, you may struggle to continue like this knowing what you know and it would affect your understanding of relationships as it could make you wary of relationships and marriages. At the same time, it will continue to enhance the sense of negativity you have towards your father while it could also lead to continued questioning of your mother and her ways of living her life and for not taking some sort of a stance.

These are only some possibilities and it would be advisable that you consult an expert to work through all that can potentially happen and then make an informed decision. It would also act as a support system for you to work through the challenges that would face you over time as you work through this.


Kamna Chhibber is the Head (Mental Health), Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences at Fortis Healthcare


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