Recently we had Father’s Day. Sometime earlier was Mother’s Day. Siblings’ Day should be sometime soon, or later. For almost anything you can think of, there is a day either around the corner or just gone by. Hallmark isn’t complaining. The only reason corporates claim to plant a new seed for every greeting card sold is so that they can have a whole new forest to take down a decade from now.
My survival philosophy has taught me one thing, always follow the money trail. Which is why when they come with their axes, I won’t be the one hugging a tree! Instead, I am proposing five more days to add to the calendar so that we, the most bored species on the planet, can find more reasons and ways to burn time, money, and all other resources. Is it really a fulfilling day if a small primordial tribe hasn’t been rendered extinct because we wanted to wish our distantly dear ones some arbitrary day which we aren’t quite sure why or how we celebrate in the first place?
Ex Lovers’ Day: This day would ideally commence at 3 am on a Saturday night and the only way to celebrate it would be by sending incomprehensible garbled texts to an ex who hasn’t blocked you on all social media. A message of love forlorn and anger pent-up albeit misplaced, a message that has more grammatical leaps than Shakespeare, and can only be considered intelligent when drunk.
Dead Pets’ Day: This is far more meaningful; we definitely need a day to remember the little tykes who give us the most memorable times of our lives. Nothing begins to define unconditional love more than a pet. Don’t for even a moment believe that your parents (or kids, for that matter) are even remotely capable of love that is anywhere close to such levels of altruism. The reason we humans don’t have tails is because we’d never wag them for anybody.
‘Men Who Finish Sentences with ‘Brah’’ Day: Jocks have a sad life curve: they peak too early, like in the fifth standard. So, by the time life hits them full circle, all they have are school memories to relive endlessly. I feel sorry for them, which is why I always tip them extra for parking my car. Surely a day instituted to allow them their back-slapping ways won’t be totally out of line. Also I can file it under my corporate social responsibility activity for the year.
‘People Who Don’t Believe the World is Plotting Against Them’ Day: There is a rare breed of people who, irrespective of what life serves up, can still manage to maintain a logical view of things. There is no “She’s trying to destroy me” or “I know he’s up to something” here. It’s just a very stoic, yet explicably reasonable, set of rationale to explain everything that happens. Trouble is these people are also the ones who may be happy to celebrate this day silently and not feel the need to either wish others or, implicitly, be wished.
‘Used Mobile Phone Only Till First Charge Lasted’ Day: This would be alternatively known as the No Power Bank Day, and I see TSA security staff and airline luggage-handling crew celebrating this day with much fervour. We don’t do risky things enough today; venturing out for a day with only one charge worth of juice on your phone is akin to the most brutal form of social harakiri possible. Wouldn’t it be awesome to just go out there and not know what happens post lunch once our phones die and we can’t use (or charge) them for the rest of the day? Yes, the thought scares me too, and I am not even a millennial. This day, I believe would soon branch off into a whole new school of Yoga — digi-detox asanas anyone? I want royalties when that goes down.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.