Now that Narendra Modi has obliterated the opposition, the political question seems settled for the next 50 years or so. Obviously, that allows us to think of other things. Things that are tearing at the very fabric of our society. Issues which, if not addressed immediately and aggressively, will lead to chaos and civil disobedience. Even as I write this, my hand is shaking with fear. Although that maybe because I’m writing this whilst running on a treadmill. Clearly, one can’t tackle all these problems because there are far too many and because I tire easily. So I’m going to limit our study to not more than four and not less than three. A quick calculation tells me this brings us to the number 3. So, let’s delve into the three biggest issues corrupting our society. Wait, you’ve convinced me, let’s make it two. Yes, let’s just go with two. Two huge issues that are causing momentous unrest in our living and civil process. Two of the largest issues that threaten to derail civic society itself.
- Memsaabs who get out of the car in the middle of the road. Mumbaikars have long been distracted by road repair issues, like gutters that overflow or get clogged and roads with large holes in them which could be mistaken for gutters. Somehow, a biased press (us included), have tended to wax eloquent on gutters, falling bridges, and incomplete road repair work. And that’s why the biggest issue out there has slipped under the radar. I’m talking of course, about the urban menace, memsaabs who lack all civility. I mean, who has not seen them? They normally have enough face paint as Native American warriors going to battle. And let me assure you, they are far more dangerous. The memsaab follows a strict pattern. She only visit shops and friends whose establishments are on the main road. She always forces the hapless driver to stop the car in the middle of the road, in peak traffic. Then, she takes two minutes 45 seconds on average, to slide out disgracefully from the car. An activity akin to a large ship leaving a harbour. Finally, she always gives her chauffeur further instructions, (presumably, about where he could hold the car, in even more traffic), only after alighting. Thus ensuring a large, honking mad crowd behind them, and a longer and more viscous traffic jam. As of now, the law is of no help. We now have laws against vagrants, pickpockets, molesters and terrorists, but none yet against memsaabs! These gangs of memsaabs continue to spread terror across the length and breadth of the city, leaving hapless traffic jams in their wake. When will the government wake up to this growing menace that threatens to destroy the very idea of civility and decency in our everyday life? When? When, I ask you? No seriously, when? I mean give us a specific date?
- But that’s not all. There’s a second sickness out there. A rampant virus. A plague, if you like. It happens around us all the time. We are all witness to it. Out of fear and shame, we are all complicit in a veil of silence. But this too must end. We must, as people, find the courage to speak up. In the words of Elvis, “It’s Now or Never”. I speak of middle-aged people who go around using millennial expressions. You know the scene. You are at a family get-together. Someone cracks a joke, to which your 59-year-old Uncle Vaibhav, mouth filled with tacos and dip, says ‘Lol’. Lol? Mind you, he doesn’t actually laugh at the joke. Yet he endorses it, with the word ‘Lol’. Plus some dip! Or the elderly aunty who uses the word ‘ASAP’. Not said as four separate letters, A-S-A-P, but as one word, ‘Asap’. A word which rhymes with saycap or paychap or maytap. A word called Asap. This appropriation of millennial ideology, culture and language, is a crime against humanity. A crime against god and man. Yet it runs around unchecked. The elderly feeling they have the licence to mimic a millennial, without even bothering to first ask for permission?
If the government can look at these issues first, instead of focusing on Pakistan, the building of hospitals, and some guy called Vikas, I will be more than grateful. Jai Hind.
The writer is a comedian, TV anchor, theatre personality, satirist, podcaster and an author.