Ten years from now — on April 13, 2029, to be precise — a giant asteroid called Apophis could crash into our beloved and revered Bhoomatha, and destroy everything. If NASA is to be believed, that is.
Yes, NASA, the same boo-hoo fellows who, a few weeks ago, cribbed when our beloved leader took careful aim and personally shot down our own satellite and proved we are a space superpower.
Also, according to their western calendar, April 13, 2029 is a Friday. Friday the 13th? Get it? Yes, we are quaking in fear.
Listen, once and for all, you science-believing western sillies — we Bharatvasis are not scared. No asteroid dare touch us. The rest of the world may be destroyed, but not us. We are prepared. Here’s how.
Swami Udit Chaithanya of Kerala alone can do the trick. Here’s the three-pronged strategy he gave us way back in 2017, pretty much predicting NASA’s announcement.
Cow horns can absorb radioactivity. Cow horns can control sound waves and remove harmful magnetic waves from the atmosphere. And cow dung contains plutonium.
While the rest of the world is petrified, we will casually station 6.34 lakh powerful cows along India’s borders. And go back to doing kapalbhati without a care in the world. The joint absorbent, repellent and controlling power of the horns, combined with the plutonium in the cow dung, will have the anti-national asteroid skidding to a halt in space, apologising to our leader (who will still be our PM, mind you) for being insolent, turning tail, and going back to doing something useful like finding Nehru’s ghost.
If that fails, we have Plan B. B stands for Biplab (Deb). Using his Vedic internet services, and routing it through Jio 15G (it is, after all, a decade from now), we will log into our glorious past and connect with our revered elders, Bhishmacharya and Dronacharya. Considering they’ll be right in the middle of the Kurukshetra war then, they will divert (without anyone finding out) a couple of industrial-strength astras and use them to destroy this dumb asteroid in Dwaparayuga itself... making NASA’s predictions fake news, lol!
Okay, what if our Jio-Vedic network is down that day, you say? Ha. We are prepared for that, too. Mitron, allow us to present (drumroll) Team Sunny paaji and Kangana Ranaut. While each of them can destroy a couple of asteroids with their bare hands, we are not taking any chances. Using parts from discarded hand pumps, membranes from obsolete Kent water purifiers, and Dharamji’s collection of empty bottles, Sunny paaji will make a patriotic pushpaka rocket. While he helms it towards the hurtling asteroid, dressed in his Gadar outfit, the mighty Kangana will strap herself to its nose. When she gets within screaming distance of the space rock, she will screech at it about nepotism, Rakesh Roshan, German, Italian and British invaders, and intersperse it with Vedic chants. Sunny paaji will holler from inside. The asteroid will run away like a libtard, making Daler Mehndi, who is travelling ticketless in the back seat, joyfully break into ‘Tunak tunak tun tunak tunak tun’.
Enough? Or do you want more?
Okay, how about our Arnab Goswami? He could put the asteroid on a panel. And tell it, “Listen, all your tukde-tukde efforts won’t work on us.” Want more? We have our Sadhguru. In a minute, he could drive around India on a high-speed Ducati, and make his followers halt the asteroid with a slew of missed calls.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.