When it comes to last-minute masterstrokes, none can beat my favourite party. In a totally Dishkiyaoon move that no one, least of all, the libtards, saw coming, they have brought in Sunny Deol.
It is a move so brilliant it makes you forget about demonetisation and Vivek Oberoi in one fell swoop. It is a move so masterful that it has made Nirmala Sitharaman herself exclaim, “I am indeed very happy to receive firebrand, popular, very committed to his art, young, great artiste from Bollywood, shri Sunny Deol.”
Nitpickers will laugh at the ‘young’ bit, but hold it right there. Yes, Sunny paaji is 62. But if your father, wearing a Stetson from his Jagir days at a rakish angle, is currently campaigning for your stepmother, who is still very much the Dream Girl — with the emphasis on ‘girl’ — that makes him 26. Sunny is young. Almost too young, if you ask me. He’s got a good 30 years of active service to the nation, before he gets into the Margadarshak Club.
To add heft to her already powerful argument, the Raksha Mantri has pointed out that one should not forget that Sunny Deol made Border which, in her words, “showed how the feeling of nationalism and patriotism, when portrayed beautifully on film, can touch a chord with the people”.
The minister (understandable, considering her busy schedule) made no mention, however, of Sunny paaji’s other classic, Yamla Pagla Deewana 2, that touched an equal number of chords, in which a no less beautifully portrayed orangutan named Einstein paints a masterpiece that brother Bobby takes credit for.
That aside, without further ado, I think Sunny Deol should take over — even before the election results are announced, because his victory, even if he is not standing, is a foregone conclusion — the reins of the much-neglected Ministry of Hand Pumps into the grip of his reliable 2.5 kg fist, and handle the Deol-purpose (Agriculture and Defence) demands of the portfolio in his customary fashion.
The agriculture part would involve pumping water at high-speed for the drought-ridden areas of our country and screaming, “Tareekh pe tareekh, tareekh pe tareekh”, at the laggardly monsoon. Paaji’s foot-stomping abilities would come in handy, too. Overused, sluggish top soil could be revitalized employing his incomparable “Yaara, O Yaara” methods from Jeet. And our ancient land would turn green again in no time.
The defence part of it would involve pulling out the same hand pump (a nifty detachable model) and beating the gau doo-doo out of enemies from across and, if necessary, within the border. And peace would reign over our blessed country like it did in pre-Nehruvian times.
I also see a film with the Deols, made to galvanise dispirited farmers who are the very lifeblood of these Bollywood sons of the soil. It would feature Dharam-ji, Hema-ji, Sunny-bhai and Bobby (in a shirtless cameo), touring the arid fields of north India, alternating on Hema-ji’s tractor and Sunny’s horse from Betaab, singing a medley of their greatest hits. Gobar: Ek Prem Katha is the name I’m going with. Or Yamla Pagla Deewana Chowkidaars: Part 3. Take your pick.
But more than all this, what I’m really looking forward to is Sunny paaji on Arnab Goswami’s panel. Screaming with not a trace of irony, “Chillao mat” with such power that it would blow the setting gel right off the anchor’s coiffed hairdo, making Jawed Habib rush in with his little bag and do some timely hair chowkidaari.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.