How I planned my Indo-Japanese wedding from another country

They say planning a wedding is like a full-time job. And with workplaces becoming increasingly international and cross-border, what’s there to stop weddings from being the same? I’m currently in the process of remotely planning my Mumbai wedding from abroad. It’s mostly been a barrage of WhatsApp video calls, although my Japanese fiancé and I recently made a short ‘business trip’ to Mumbai to finalise certain details. Ours is not just the marriage of two individuals… but also two cultures that are equally vibrant and unique, and yet so fascinatingly divergent. The experience has been fraught with excitement, stress, laughter and tears. Here are some highlights from our journey in planning an Indo-Japanese wedding.

Clash of the kundalis

My Japanese fiancé was most bemused, when following his proposal, I began pestering him for his birth certificate. Matching kundalis (ie horoscopes) is not a part of Japanese culture—unlike Hindu tradition, where an unfortunate positioning of Mars in the sky can spell disaster for impending nuptials. We couldn’t find the certificate, and went on memory. The horoscopes clashed, resulting in a doomed match and plenty of melodrama (“To hell with mangal’s influence, I will marry him even if I die!”). My astonished fiancé double-checked with his family, and revealed rather sheepishly that there had been a mix-up: the birth timing was his brother’s. We redid the horoscopes with the correct information, and it was a match!

However, the kundali conundrum was far from over. We had to pick a wedding date, and numerology was rather stingy in providing us with auspicious dates. “Why are 90 per cent of your days considered inauspicious?!” my fiancé demanded, to which I had no answer. In Japan, the rikuyou/rokuyou (translates to ‘six days’) are equally auspicious for everyone, regardless of birth dates. The rikuyou decree daily life, and are as follows: butsumetsu, taian, tomobiki, sakigachi, sakimake and sekiguchi. Butsumetsu are considered unlucky and preferred for funerals, whereas taian are the most auspicious and thus ideal for weddings. While I quite like the system (goodbye kundali matching!) it also means that booking costs are adjusted based on type of day. My thrifty side might be tempted to avail butsumetsu discounts (more budget for decor and drinks!) as many non-superstitious Japanese couples do, although my family would likely insist on taian despite the price hike. Incidentally, the wedding date we selected as per the Hindu calendar corresponded to taian in Japan.

The guest list

“Five hundred invitees?” my fiancé gaped. “Are you royalty? A celebrity?” I assured him I was not, and that five hundred was quite moderate by Indian standards. Japanese weddings tend to be relatively intimate gatherings, with sixty to eighty guests on average. My fiancé counted the family members attending from his side (nine) and then searched an online database to see how many people in Japan shared his family name. Even if he invited every Nagino in the country (only about sixty, it’s an uncommon surname), he still wouldn’t come close to matching my army of Indian relatives. I conceded to sharing certain aunts, uncles and cousins, so that they could dance in his baraat… perhaps switching sides at the last moment to welcome him into the wedding hall.

One reason Japanese weddings have a limited guest list is the per person cost. A five-star hotel in Mumbai will cost between Rs 3,000 to 5,000 per person for food and hall rent. An equivalent hotel in Japan would be at least ten times this amount. Moreover, Japanese guests are expected to foot a part of the wedding costs by contributing an envelope containing gift money known as goshugi. Goshugi averages 30,000 Yen per guest, and between 50,000 to 1,00,000 for bosses and relatives. It is customary to send over goshugi or an equivalent gift even if you cannot attend the wedding, and this is another reason many Japanese couples, not wanting to burden their relatives and acquaintances, exclude them from the guest list altogether.

Pre-wedding prep

Mandap muhrat, griha shanti, haldi, mehandi, sangeet… there were a slew of new, hard-to-pronounce terms to be explained to my fiancé and his family. Japanese weddings do not have pre-wedding events, apart from the yuinou or the engagement ceremony. Traditional yuinou involve the bride’s and groom’s families meeting for a meal, and exchanging symbolic gifts such as folding fans and strings of hemp. Since it was difficult for our families to coordinate an actual yuinou, my fiancé’s family instead gave us an exquisite handmade Japanese doll among various other gifts from Japan when they attended our engagement in Mumbai.

As for the Indian events… sangeet practice is ongoing, as I struggle to explain the intricacies of jhatkas and thumkas to my poor fiancé (“What do you mean you can’t do it? Just move your hips like this! What do you mean how?”). He has managed to get a hang of some basic steps, and we have progressed onto Dandiya 101—sparring with pens in lieu of actual sticks lest we smash our fingers. We have quite a way to go, but I’m confident he’ll be clacking away like a seasoned gujju in time for the sangeet.

We have also decided to do one Japanese song; or more specifically, the Japanese version of a Korean pop song. In hindsight, I did not foresee the logistical nightmare of attempting K-pop choreography wearing a hefty, embroidered lehenga. Have you seen lehengas these days? They are huge. My lehenga, with all its inner netting and ruffles, bounces around me like a particularly puffed-up cupcake, obscuring all the intricate footwork. I am currently petitioning my mother to allow jeans or tights for the song. Rather untraditional I admit, but who even sets the rules for multicultural weddings?

Wedding wardrobes

When people tell me I can recycle my mandap muhrat and sangeet outfits at other weddings, I laugh, because showing up to a Japanese wedding in a glitzy lehenga would make me look like a bedazzled Christmas tree in a field of lilies. Cheesy metaphors aside, Japanese wedding outfits do not exist in the same realm of gold and sparkles as ours. Their traditional bridal outfit consists of an elegant white kimono known as shiromuku. While white symbolises purity, recently Japanese brides have begun opting for irouchikake instead: beautifully-embroidered colourful robes worn on the outside of their white kimonos. For Japanese grooms, the traditional attire consists of a formal black kimono with hakama trousers and a haori jacket.

Chunky bridal jewellery would also look out of place in Japan, where a simple, unadorned look is preferred—apart from headpieces, because Japan does some fancy headgear! Traditional brides may also wear a large hood known as the wataboushi, or a white silk hat called a tsunokakushi. However, the bride’s face and neck are left bare. My fiancé was thus quite stunned as he watched my mother and I examine various kundan and polki bridal jewellery sets, complete with enormous earrings, enamelled chokers, and mathapatti. I discussed all these pieces with the jeweller, showing off my recently acquired jewellery jargon, when my fiancé asked, very seriously: “But won’t you be uncomfortable wearing all that weight on your face?” I brushed him off, saying, “I’m Indian, we’re used to this.” I later requested the jeweller to take off a couple stones, because I’d rather not sit through the ceremony with the sensation of my ears being slowly ripped off.

My wedding planning tips

I still don’t know much about the Japanese wedding ceremony except that it does not include a large fire, but does involve sake drinking, although in small amounts, I would presume. However, based on my wedding planning so far, and the logistical complication of having guests from various countries, here are some of my tips on planning a multicultural wedding.

• Try to choose weekend dates so the guests flying in and out of the country have to take less leave from work or school.
• Send out save-the-dates at least six to nine months in advance to any guests living abroad, so they have ample time to plan the trip.
• Have a wedding website geared towards guests living abroad, which is sent along with the save-the-dates. The website can give information on the events, travel, accommodation, dress code, visas and more. I had a great experience using Wix to design mine.
• Consider e-invites and e-save-the-dates, because coordinating addresses of constantly moving friends across the world can be a hassle.
• Include a mix of songs in your sangeet playlist (mine currently has Bollywood, dandiya, J-pop, K-pop and western commercial).
• Get a deal with the wedding venue (if it’s a hotel) to provide a block of rooms during your dates at a discounted price for guests to book. I included the booking link on my wedding website.

Also read:

These wedding planners will make your nuptials feel like a celebrity’s

How to entertain your wedding guests like Bollywood celebrities

An NRI bride’s guide to buying traditional wedding wear around the world

The best wedding gift ideas for your sister or best friend’s big day