At a smart dinner last night, consisting of the city’s literati, glitterati and fritteratti, a man, who we hardly know but had seen often enough at such soirees, asked us for our prediction of the election results and how many seats we thought the ruling party would win. Not wanting to disappoint him, we racked our brains for a suitable answer. Then in a flash it occurred to us. “309,” we said, with great authority, citing the number printed on the back of the valet parking receipt in our hand we had received a few minutes earlier. We closed our eyes when we announced it for greater effect.
“309? You’re wrong,” he gasped. “That’s just not possible…let me tell you what I think,” he said, before launching in to a long drawn and tedious account, which contained words like ‘swing factor’, ‘sample size’, ‘anti-incumbency’ and ‘regional satraps’. Considering we hadn’t asked him for his opinion, we thought it was a bit much, but let it pass.
Later, at the same venue, a lady with the personality of a shoe box (an empty one at that), cornered us, just as we were serving ourselves a second round of the delicious ‘louki ki kheer’. “This week, in the first phase of polling, a total of 91 out of the 543 Lok Sabha constituencies will be going to the polls, with the fate of as many as 1,279 candidates in the balance. Apart from this, voting is underway in 175 Assembly seats in Andhra Pradesh, 32 in Sikkim and 28 in Odisha. The final vote count will be done on May 23,” she said.
Wow, that’s impressive, we said. What’s your prediction?
“It’s Hung,” she responded.
Gosh! You mean it’s going to be a no-win for both the BJP and the Congress? we enquired.
“Huh, no!” She replied, adding, “I was only telling you that the louki ki kheer you’re eating tastes so good because it has been hung in a muslin cloth before serving, so that it achieves the right consistency.”

Separating The Wheat From The Chaff
While at the grocery shop down the road, we ran in to our friendly, neighbourhood busybody. “Hello Madame, hello. All is well?” he asked in his characteristic smarmy manner. “I see you too are carrying a cloth bag for shopping! Good, good Madame. Good, good. We are all fighting against global heating. But Madame,” he said, with a pained expression, “Have you seen the bajra and gehu that they’re selling today? Very poor quality! All Hema Malini’s fault!”
Huh? we said. What does the Dream Girl have to do with the quality of grain in our community store? “Oh Madame! You are not reading papers these days,” said the friendly-neighborhood busybody. “Last couple of days, everybody knows the Mathura MP has been working in the fields, plucking, shredding, ploughing, tractoring (and actoring, we wanted to add, but let it pass), and since she only does this every five years, poor lady must be out of practice. Hence the poor quality of the grains in our shops. But…” he said, his face brightened visibly, “I must say the quality of the vada paos we are getting these days have improved immensely!”
And why is that? we said, glad to hear of some good tidings.
“Oh Madame. Do you not know that it is our Urmila Matondkar. Sweet, sweet lady, she is doing her best for public by checking all vada pao sellers in her constituency. She is tasting every vada pao herself! And when she likes, she simply makes a thumbs up sign, so the public can know she has approved. Such free service to the people she is doing, I must say.”
And this means…? we asked the friendly-neighborhood busybody.
“It simply means that I will vote for the party that ensures better vada pao for public consumption, Madame. Not for the party giving bad grains.”
Election fever appears to have gripped everyone these days.

A Dog’s Life
Meanwhile, news has come in that Vijay Mallya has acquired a set of six pedigreed canines to keep him company at his well-appointed London town house, at 18/19 Cornwall Terrace. A company spokesperson for the beleaguered liquor baron said in an official statement that these include a Löwchen (estimated cost $5,000 to $8,000); a Tibetan Mastiff (estimated cost $2,200 to $7000); a Saluki (estimated cost $2,500 to $5,000) and a Samoyed (estimated cost $4,000 to $11,000). “Of late, Dr Mallya has been spending all his time playing with the dogs, grooming them, taking them for walks and cooking their favourite dishes,” said the company spokesperson, about his chairman’s new found love for the new\ly-acquired pets. “He is very much attached to them and they to him. In fact, it is quite apparent to anyone who sees them that his being separated from them for more than a day will be detrimental to their health and well-being,” he said. “So, given this new development in his life, it is very important that Mr Mallya be allowed to remain in the UK to care for his pets. Hence, our lawyers are appealing to the court that it strikes down his extradition orders to India on these grounds.” However, this approach might not be as successful as hoped, according to those present at the press conference. When asked why his pets could not follow Mr Mallya to India and to a prison there, the spokesperson is reported to have said, “Mr Mallya is of the opinion that it’s not fit for his dogs!”

First Published: Apr 12, 2019 01:13 IST