SENIOR Q&A: My father is not walking as far as he did six months ago

Q: My father is not walking as far as he did six months ago. He commented to me that his legs are not as strong. My father is into his 90’s and I would expect some slowing down at his age. My father denies pain in his legs or knees but once said they are uncomfortable. He refuses to talk with a physician about this change instead he walks every day but not as far. I suggested PT for muscle toning and he refused. Any other suggestions?

A: Talk with your father about talking with his PCP. Remind your father if he has declined in six months he could decline more. Maybe he can get some of the return back in his legs with an exercise program. If he declines further it could be even more of a challenge to get back to this current level. If you are able, maybe offer to go to the PCP or to a physical therapist appointment. Maybe if there is a family event such as wedding you may want to dangle that over his head – say you will be there and maybe as you get stronger you can even dance at the family event. If there is no family event then hold out his birthday or living to 100 etc. Many people want to get stronger and maybe there is an underlying pain or health issue your father does not want to burden you with so instead he accepts the change as his new norm.

Q: My mother lives in a Nursing Home in Massachusetts. My mother is still sharp and every time I visit she has a complaint. I then talk with the staff for their input and to hear their side of the story. The complaints are about staff not coming quick enough, or not being put to bed first, and other complaints about the food, etc. My mother was usually happy and always felt lucky. I am not sure what to do and how to help my mother. Any suggestions?

A: Ask for a care plan meeting to discuss your mother’s issues. What does the staff have to say about your mother’s complaints? Also investigate if your mother is depressed. There is something called ‘situational depression’ that can cause someone who is not depressed to feel sad and hopeless. This often happens to seniors who realize they will not be returning home because of health issues that are out of their control. Your mother is now dependent on others causing her to feel she has no control. She has little control in a Nursing Home but she needs to feel she has some control in her life. If you feel your mother is sad then ask if your mother can be seen by a clinical therapist/social worker. Your mother may need an antidepressant to help her with her mood. Discuss with the staff ways your mother can feel she has choices and some control.

Q: My sister is not helping at all with our father. When I ask her to visit she is too busy. When I ask her to pick something up she is too busy. She will visit our father when she wants, which means most of the time helping our dad falls on my shoulders. I get all the calls, I take my father to all medical appointments, etc. How can I get my sister to help? Are there any other suggestions to reduce my stress?

A: To be very honest it’s not clear you can make your sister change, however there may be an underlying reason why she is reluctant to help. Does she feel you are in charge and should do everything, does it go back to sibling rivalry, is she scared your father is getting sick and will pass away one day, etc? There are home care agencies that can be hired to come in a few hours during the week to make meals, change the linen, wash clothing, food shop etc. The help in the house has eyes on your father, and during their visit if issues arise you will be called. There are also mediators that can sit down with you and your sister to discuss issues in the home and maybe you can have a written contract with your sister dividing up the tasks.

Linda Sullivan RN, CMC and Debbie Gitner LCSW, C-SWCM are Geriatric Care Managers/Aging Life Care Professionals. Each has had over thirty five years of experience working with the geriatric population in acute and long term care setting. Both are certified court mediators and have completed the educational seminar Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia Care. Together they started a business called ElderCare Resource Services which is a company that can assist, advocate, and help families through the medical maze of best options for their family member.