A girl in my class started flirting with me after her breakup. We got close to each other and I’m pretty sure she liked me. I started falling for her although none of us ever confessed. But after three months she patched up with her ex and now behaves with me just like a friend. What should I do? — AK

AK, the German, vice chancellor, Helmut Sprung, wrote about how, a man wore a sweater during a harsh summer, always felt hot, and this would lead to temper tantrums. Helmut, of course, was talking about himself and was also trying to investigate the reason for his terrible skin abrasions in his mid-Forties. This caused him to do very unGerman like things, like cut lines at McDonald’s. Just like Helmut, you’ve got your seasons wrong. If she’s patched up with him, she’s in summer, and you are in winter. The ‘why’ is really not that important if that’s what she wants. You had three months of summer to make an impression. Don’t take it personally, and don’t have temper tantrums, you tired, you had a crack, but she’s gone back to the earlier season. C’est La Vie.

I am a 23-year-old boy. I like one of the girls in my college for the last year. However, I am confused if it is true love or just an attraction. What should I do? — LKS

There are many tests to prove you are in love. For example, if you go for Parsee Bhonu, with your love. Then you order two plates, ‘Kid Ghosh’. However, there is only one plate left. Do you commit the ultimate sacrifice known in Parsee Cuisine? Do you fall on your own sword? Do you actually order the one plate for yourself, and give her a bite? One whole bite? If you do then its true love. This method is known as the ‘Bhonu effect’. Generally speaking, if you are obsessed with her, think about her all the time, can’t get her off your mind, and feel like a million dollars when you see her, then its love. I know this to be true for a fact. That’s because as a nine-year-old, this is how I felt about the West Indian Cricket Legend, Viv Richard. Actually, I still do. In any case, you are 23, and single, why worry about how deep your love is? Go and seize the moment.

I am a 28-year-old man. My parents want me to get married soon and are looking for a suitable alliance. However, I am not really sure how to gauge a person in just a few meetings. Please help. — KR

KR, 18 years. I’ve been married for 18 years. My marriage is eligible to vote, by itself. My marriage, on its own, can watch erotic adults only, films. However, after 18 years I still can’t gauge my wife properly. Occasionally I find her in a good mood, and by good mood, I mean a little less angry. So basically, you can take your question to any lab in the world, and no one can give you an authentic solution. So I’m hereby cancelling your question, and replacing it with a question of my own. And the question is, ‘why be in a hurry to close the deal’? Take your time, and wait to see if and when sparks will fly. This is the same technique I have used in selecting all my cars. And I’m a 100% satisfied customer. Forget the end result, first see if you find anyone interesting to meet a second time. Then take it further from there, one step at a time.

I am a 30-year-old woman and I am about to get married soon. However, my ex-boyfriend has been trying to get in touch with me for the last two months. I have been ignoring his calls and messages but that doesn’t stop him from reaching out to me again. How should I stop him from calling or messaging me? — VI

I suggest the threefold method used by Daryus the Great of Persia. (Persia in those days included Iran, Iraq, parts of Syria and Leopold Café in Mumbai). First, he would send a warning to a nearby country, about an imminent attack. Second, he would invade the country and take possession. Thirdly, he’d send a second warning, after the invasion, about the invasion. And he would then blame the late warning on a Lazy Greek Portal Service. So, send him a severe warning to back off. Don’t sugar coat it. Then if he continues, ask a senior family member to text him. Finally, if he’s like a rabid, sick weirdo who won’t stop, you collect all your digital evidence and go to the police. If all that doesn’t work, threaten him with the ultimate penalty. Forced viewing of “Gully Boy”. In stereophonic sound.

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First Published: Mar 06, 2019 10:19 IST