They are up in arms. “We want freedom. We want our privacy. We want to live our lives.”
There is a silent rebellion of the aged, within homes, in several homes. They do not want to go to Old Age Homes (called by any name, such as Retirement Resorts). These fancy places, where the aged are herded, constantly remind them of their age and that they are unfit to live a normal life among persons of different age groups. They feel isolated from the community, from society.
Why should they be segregated? They also do not want live with their sons and daughters. They want to live alone; all alone, face life with all its challenges, as individuals. They do not want to have a tag around their neck as elders, senior citizens. It is rather a mill around the neck, weighing them down. Respect and consideration are all right, but not a condescending attitude towards them. They have their pride intact.
“We will go to our son/ daughter's places and stay with them for a few days. They are welcome to visit us. We are ready to accept small gifts. But please do not dictate to us how we should live. Yes, we are old, but not yet past the expiry date. We are fragile outside but we have a strong will. Please do not underestimate us.” This is the kind of message they convey.
In our apartment complex there are 84 flats and about a dozen (males and females) live alone. The age varies from 50 to 85. Widows and widowers, persons whose children live away from them or persons with no issues have chosen to live all alone. They cook themselves or get food from outside. They mingle with the families in the apartment, participate in common social activities, watch the children play, and one person is teaching children Mathematics without any fees. They are happy and contented.
There are other senior couples, like us, living alone, whose children live abroad or in other places in the country. Apartment life provides them security and the neighbours are willing to support. My wife is ‘paatti’ to a dozen children here. There is mutual love and respect coupled with freedom.
We see a change in the attitude of the elders over the last few decades. When the joint family was the norm, the elders dominated the families, they were respected and their views heard and obeyed. Their word was final and it was law. There was no argument. Even persons of age, say 60, showed reverence to the elders in the family, not necessarily parents, maybe even uncles and aunts.
In the next stage, the joint family system collapsed but elders stayed with their sons. But from a position of preeminence, their position changed to one of advisers. They were consulted. But decisions were taken by the next generation. Families moved to urban centres. Youngsters started asking questions. The knowledge of the elders on matters of agriculture, astrology, astronomy, puranas, education and medicine became irrelevant.
They understood the changes and did not feel slighted or ignored. They treated the younger generation as equals. They listened, exchanged opinions and tried to learn new things. There was a reverse flow of knowledge. There was a balance of power. The elders knew their position in the hierarchy, adjusted themselves. They did not expect too much. There was mutual respect and a distance was kept to avoid friction. Their needs were few and the children were considerate and warm. They lived within the family but did not impose themselves on others. There was a red line. They kept their views to themselves. The food habits and profligacy of the GenNext often troubled them. They were mute witnesses. The youngsters spoke a different language, a different idiom; the thought process itself differed, governed altogether by a different logic. The generation gap became a chasm.
Now everything has changed. Elders want to live alone. Once we had heard these slogans from the youth, the younger generation who were rebelling against the authority of the elders. The newly married ones wanted to set up a separate establishment, much to the chagrin of the elders.
Now the elders live longer, younger. Eighty years is the new normal. Goodbye to cataract and thick glasses. They threw away the walking sticks which their parents used at the age of 50. They dressed like contemporary youth. They walked erect. They used modern gadgets with confidence. I have seen this surge at close quarters in our family, our close relatives and friends.
“They [sons/daughters] dictate to me. If I live with them I have to live with hundred restrictions. They treat me like a sick child,” an octogenarian complained.
“A time may come when you may need help,” I asked.
“Let us the cross the bridge when there is a need. Not now.”
"Do you understand their love and affection for you? They order you about in your own interest"?
"I love them too. I am grateful. Shackles made of gold also bind you. But I have lived for too long for others. It is time for me to live as my own self. I listen to the radio; I sing myself. I cook what I like most. I go to sleep early and get up early. I read, watch TV, choose the channels I like. I walk, go to temples. I live at my own pace.”
I think the word "pace" looked important for them. They are not able to cope up with the fast world. They do not want to be a hindrance to the younger generation who have their own priorities. "See it this way. My son has just retired from service after 40 years. He may require some freedom from the routine. They may like to relax, get up at 8 a.m., cook at leisure or get food or go out. Our presence may be a problem for them. Not that we want freedom for ourselves; we grant them freedom to live their lives". It is mutual. No hard feelings.
They found their feet, grew wings very late in life. They want to make up for the lost years. They want to explore, test their strength. They are not concerned about the destination. It is about the travel, flight, the few steps into the new horizon, freedom.
sundaresansiva37@gmail.com