I love rap. There is nothing wrong with it. But I do have trouble with popular culture. For what such does is attract immediate and due amount of attention to something, consequently inflating the entire phenomenon into a larger-than-life success. Again, while this is great for the real artistes, it also lets many a talent-less freeloading opportunist idiot ride the wave to the top, which then overrides and hides the real gems. That, right there, is my current nitpicking nub of an issue with Indian rap music.
Oh, before I go any further, Ranveer Singh rapping is only mildly better than Farhan Akhtar rocking, both of which, however, are still far worse than getting dysentery and dengue at the same time while your girlfriend walks out on you, along with your dog, and your parents, who all depart willingly! Guys, really, act, direct, wear corny clothes, whatever, but don’t interfere with talent.
Back to rapping. In the time I wrote this, if you’ve already quit school and learnt how to spell “yo!”, here are a few tips to get your first popular rap track out and selling.
Repetition: Rap can be complex rhymes and poetry; think of Tupac and Eminem. Popular rap can be you crying on a mic repeating the same word again and again. And again. So don’t worry about writing a whole three stanzas worth of expression; just find one annoying word and chant it something nasty.
Incoherence: Since lyrics aren’t really going to be your strong point, mumble. Clarity is anathema; it is forbidden to try and make sense — what if someone actually understands you!? Success is quickest when you get to the top while others are still wondering what the ’ell really happened. By the time they catch on, you’d’ve moved on to your next act: vanishing.
Back-story: Before you think me shallow, let me tell you that I am. Which is why I can unscrupulously tell you that nothing sells records like pity. If people can feel sad for your plight, they will throw money at you evermore. Religion teaches that humans can buy penance, so buying your album could be like a raffle ticket to heaven! Therefore, have a sad plaintive back-story, problems with alcohol (no, not dry day), parental neglect (yours, not your kids’), societal abuse... be the golden boy/girl/whatever who made it in spite of everything, and if that “everything” is good upbringing with posh schools and business class transatlantic vacations, rewrite that bit.
Repetition: Get it?
Attitude: After all this if you can do a few dabs and selfies with your face covered in oversized clothes that look like they came from a thrift shop, just add the appropriate hashtags and leave it out there to fester and very soon you will attract the (rich and ignorant) flies.
Don’t worry about the music, the voice or anything else. The only sound you will want to focus on is “ka’ching” for that is the only measurable sound of success today. “I am all about the material, take this advice and have it for breakfast, like cereal, everyday, so when comes pay day, and rent’s due, ya’ll know to thank who!”
(If you use this line in your track, I want credit... and also cash!)
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.