The other day, I woke up deeply dismayed. For I hadn’t been offended in three whole days. And that wasn’t a good sign. Noticing my angst, my wife came to my rescue.
“Go look at all the funny funny things people are saying about Kangana Ranaut’s fake horse on Twitter,” she said.
I did, and was filled instantly with a deeply grateful, incendiary, near-orgasmic anger.
How dare they? Who are these anti-nationals to criticise Kangana Ranaut or her bucking, rearing mechanical mount?
Criticising Kangana is the same as criticising the Rani of Jhansi. And mocking the counterfeit charger is the same as mocking our hardworking engineers.
Do these traitors even know who Kangana Ranaut is? Or her qualifications? She is royalty, dammit. Crowned three times! She was Queen, Revolver Rani and Manikarnika. Remember that.
Please note, she has interviewed Sadhguru, no less. And asked him if Shiva was an alien. And, if so, wasn’t Jadoo a fraud? Other than that, she has been interviewed by Anupam Kher. She has been accredited by Prasoon Joshi when some director called Krish dared cross her path. And, last but not least, she kicked K-Jo right in his conjectures. That puts her on the same level on the Desh Bhakti Meter (DBM) as Akki ‘Twinklebones’ Kumar.
Criticising her entitles you to a free ticket to Pakistan valid till the coming elections. It is there in our constitution. I don’t mean the document written by our founding fathers. I mean our gut, liver, spleen, etc.
Let’s come to the horse. Who do you think designed the horse? Arnab Goswami, that’s who. See the horse’s mane and Arnab’s forelock. Same to same. You need any more evidence of the horse’s unmockability?
Mocking her horse is as sacrilegious as mocking Sadhguru’s Ducati.
Do you know the trials and tribulations the bogus bronco had to go through during the gruelling fake battle? It had to canter, gallop, neigh, listen to Kangana’s voice and deal with tens of fake soldiers rushing at it with sham swords. Plus, it had to listen to Kangana’s voice. As she screamed. In its poor pseudo ears. I know I said that already. But it needed to be said. Again. In case you don’t get it, fools, that is heroism.
Okay, if you must criticise a synthetic stallion, why not criticise Allauddin Khilji’s treacherous Pakistan-supporting fraudulent horse from Padmavat? After all, that movie came out first, no? Where was all your mockery, then? Ha. Got you, didn’t we?
But beware if you make fun of Dhanno. Hemaji’s Sholay steed is beyond reproach. It bachaoed her izzat and earned itself a place in that grand stable in the sky reserved for Patriotic Filmi Fake Horses of Bollywood.
We’ve got news for you, libtards. We are going to be displaying this selfless, snow-white faux stallion in the Nehru Memorial Museum & Library – Arnab is a director, we can do it — and Kangana is going to build a giant bouncing, flouncing statue of the make-believe mare in her hometown. You’ll hear our announcement soon enough. Via a moving Sonu Nigam ditty.
In her upcoming biopic, Kangana will play herself playing Rani Jhansi playing Kangana. The mechanical horse will be played by John Abraham. He showed tremendous potential in that ad where he turns into a bike and rides himself off into the sunset. And Hrithik Roshan will be played by Shakti Kapoor.
So there.
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.