The Oscars red carpet might have been rolled up in Hollywood but their desi avatars might still be playing in a political theatre near you. Here’s our guide to the Indian Oscar-worthies of 2019. In our book they are all winners of course.
Green Book: An award-winning Muslim writer, about to embark on a literary festival tour in the badlands of India, needs a driver for protection. An unemployed tough-talking gau rakshak who has been told to keep a low profile after a recent lynching case is recruited for the job. The two men initially clash but slowly develop a touching bond as the writer helps the gau rakshak write beautiful Urdu love poetry to woo his girlfriend and the gau rakshak saves the writer when angry Hindutva activists storm a lit fest demanding the writer sing ‘Vande Mataram’. The gau rakshak admits he cannot sing ‘Vande Mataram’ either as they drive past a herd of happy cows. The film featured in the Prime Minister’s Mann ki Baat radio address but was panned by critics as a feel-good whitewash.
The Favourite: This black comedy became a surprise hit because no one figured out it was a comedy. Court intrigue swirls around a powerful prime minister as his ministers try to outdo each other in an effort to win his confidence and become the coveted minister of the bedchamber. One minister says that if the prime minister is not elected, the country will be set back by 50 years. Another says, politicians who sell dreams to the public and then fail to deliver get beaten up and comes under suspicion of harbouring designs on the PM post. However, the prime minister outfoxes everyone by taking a dip in a holy river and washing the feet of some jawans with his tears. In the last scene, the chastened ministers are shown pressing the prime minister’s many vests while he rides a triumphal chariot.
A Star is Born: A famous prince battling a mysterious foot-in-the-mouth disease seeks the help of his sister, a reclusive princess, in recovering the family castle which has been seized by the ruthless Bhajpa clan. The princess becomes hugely popular partly because of her resemblance to the long-dead Dowager Empress. A PR company wants to mould her into the new Empress and organises massive road shows with ecstatic fans who sing ‘Maybe It’s Time’. The prince becomes increasingly anxious with the princess’ growing popularity. But ultimately she pays a touching tribute to him by singing ‘Shallow — Tell me something boy/ Aren’t you tired tryin’ to fill that void?/ Or do you need more?’ The film was dismissed by critics as old wine in an old bottle. It is, in fact, a third generation remake of an old film that has been a box-office favourite in India.
Black Panther: A superhero film where tribes fight over a precious metal that turns ordinary men into an unbeatable Black Panther. A young tea seller comes to take over the throne that is rightfully his but is challenged by an arrogant marg pradarshak. He wins and proves that his country is not a third world country but actually a technically advanced superpower which invented the internet and plastic surgery. He eventually puts on the million-dollar suit embossed with the precious metal and fights off his enemies during the Great Demonetisation War. The precious metal’s secret power is revealed to be an unstoppable torrent of fake news that helps the hero single-handedly defeat his adversaries. The sequel to this blockbuster arrives this summer.
Bohemian Rhapsody: A heart-warming bio-pic about a young man who wants to become a singer but his traditional family wants him to join the family firm. He eventually brings together many other out-of-work musicians into a band called Mahagatbandhan. The band delivers some hits but is riven with ego tussles and fights about who is the true face of the band. As the young musician wonders if he should go solo or play second fiddle in the band, he sings, ‘I want to break free.’ In a fairy tale ending he comes out before vast cheering crowds singing his great hits ‘We are the Champions’ and ‘Pappu Can Dance’. Historians slam the ending as being fanciful and inaccurate.
Spider-man: Into the Spider-Verse: An animated film about a young Kashmiri man who gets bitten by a radioactive spider named ‘Tathagata Aroychnida’. The next day he develops super powers where he can emit electric earworms that force everyone to burst into songs from Kashmir Ki Kali. Meanwhile the villainous Jaish Goblin is trying to develop a particle accelerator that will create an alternative universe where all bakeries in India will be known as Karachi Bakery. Eventually peace is restored when everyone time-travels to another dimension where Sardar Patel, rather than Jawaharlal Nehru, is the first prime minister of India.
Now please go vote for the winner.
Like many Bengalis, the author of Don’t Let Him Know likes to let everyone know about his opinions.