“LISTEN, iPhone, it’s not you. It’s me. You’re great, really. I just think it’d be healthy if we took some time apart. For years, I’ve been hopelessly seeking something a little smarter, a little sexier—more vibrant, nice curves, strong communication skills. Now it’s time I stepped back and decided what I really need from my soul mate.”

That’s what runs through my head, more or less, during Apple’s annual new-device announcements. My roving eye has even been known to wander flirtatiously over to the latest Google Pixel—I’m...