Diary of a Single Woman  on a new age dating app

HYDERABAD : It was in October last year I heard about Bumble, a dating app which enables females users to make the first move created by Whitney Wolfe Herd, an American entrepreneur. Naturally the feminist in me was excited when I first heard that app’s founder was a woman and took adequate care about ensuring that women get to initiate the conversation first, so we had the edge and agency to make the first move. I was always sceptical about online dating apps after hearing all those Tinder dating woes my friends shared with me. I felt it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there on dating apps and see if you find a common ground with the other person and hoping that romance evolves. By December when Bumble was launched in India, I mustered the courage to be on the app hoping to find romance and maybe true love (fingers crossed).

The app was quite functional in terms of filling out the profile and verification and ensuring privacy levels so that my social media handles are not revealed to creepy strangers. It had three options DATE, BFF and BIZZ which was pretty cool, so one can choose with dating, findingfriends and also business networking. The app has some creative options to put some extra info to show how interesting you are to your potential matches, which I really liked. It was a great relief for me to tell my potential matches that I was a Feminist and my preference of meeting a fellow feminist. And so my online dating expedition began on the very day of Telangana Assembly Elections.

I got super swiped by a rather good looking guy on Bumble within a few hours and we got talking. Exchanged phone numbers, agreed on first getting on a call. It was a bit scary for me to share my mobile number owing to the number of dick pics (received 102 in 2018) and countless hate messages I received for speaking on women’s rights and being vocal on social media.But I did take a chance with the Guy No. 1, who turned out to be rather cool and was incidentally travelling to USA for a week for work. He agreed to keep in touch and meet up after he returned back and sincerely kept his promise. Long distance calling from his side followed.

Itwas fun, and I was happy that he was easy to talk to and we even shared sense of humour. Everything was going on well for 2 weeks of hour-long phone calls from him and he forgot to reconfirm date on the day we were supposed to meet. His reasoning was he was playing a video game and slept off and hence couldn’t respond. We cancelled and agreed to meet after he returned from his vacation. The phone calls stopped abruptly and messages trickled down to monosyllables and communication died within a week. It was only later after the New Year, I noticed that he deleted his Bumble profile altogether.

I called him once to see if he was doing okay, but he didn’t bother to answer nor respond to my WhatsApp messages. I left it at that. It was very surprising that someone makes long distance calls for an hour everyday
when he is travelling to the other side of the planet and maintains radio silence when we are barely a few kilometres apart. I never got a chance to know how incredible this guy would be in real life, but I am thankful for our conversations he did help me see a few things like how men think about power, career and money. Thanks to him I was able to reconnect with my brother. So, I took back something from this SuperSwipe. Thank you Bumble Bee!!

My second Bumble date was fun and breezy. He suggested that we played Truth or Dare. Ended up giggling all along the two-hour coffee date. Shared stories and promised to keep in touch. We soon started exchanging messages on WhatsApp and he was fun to talk to. On our second date we both visited an orphanage where we discovered that we had similar passion about children’s rights. It was clear that we both liked each other and decided to take things further.

That’s when I decided to share my non-negotiables to this guy. Being a feminist and having a series of bad dates I made my own list of non-negotiables to ensure that we are clear on where we are heading without assumptions. He found it difficult to agree to my dating rules. So we decided to be friends. He is currently vacationing in Cambodia and regularly sends me his holiday pics. We both agreed that it was less of a heart ache for we were clear about what we needed. We both deserve a pat on our backs for being mature. 

Then the series of swipes followed, conversations exchanged, but nothing riveting happened. One guy was kind enough to share a delicious recipe as we exchanged messages during lunch. I tried it at home and it turned out delicious. Food connects people in strange ways. We met for coffee once and realised that there was nothing common between us except the cooking part. There was no magic. Our online interaction died off a natural death. I saw him delete his profile on Bumble without texting me why. But, hey, I have his healthy vegetables and coconut recipe with me that makes me smile thinking of him. Thanks dude. 

The best part about Bumble was the conversation starters. As a woman I felt safer initiating the conversation to test my comfort level in interacting with my potential matches before I shared my number and meeting these incredible men that I have shortlisted. My rusty social skills got better interacting with these funny, handsome men as I always saw myself as a boring analyst writing reports for the government on children’s rights and women’s rights. I found my wit and sense of humour in conversing with men and speaking my mind without hesitating. Someone them gave me that comfort level to interact with them without getting intimidated. But I must admit that I did have a fair share of virtual toad kissing episodes too.

Within 2 weeks I got some weird questions from men which ranged from ‘Can you make rotis?’ to ‘Will you make breakfast for me?’ even before we could meet up for our first date. One guy went on to tell me how incredible his gym was and our entire interaction was about how skinny I look in the pictures and how I needed to add some weight in the right places and stay healthy.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I did kick boxing too. I let him continue before unmatching him after enduring a couple of hours of virtual bodyshaming that he was generously doling out on me. Needless to say he never got my number. Some conversations were enraging, some were outrightly hilarious, but as a Gender Sensitisation trainer, I am taking in everything on my stride as these men surely gave me a reason to chuckle amidst my busy life. 

One thing I definitely observed on Bumble is men indeed felt threatened that they had to wait for a woman to initiate the conversation. Many men I interacted with pointed out how difficult it is for them to wait until the woman responds. It was a tad surprising that NOT ALL MEN recognise the fact that we women do have our jobs, functional social lives and many of us are busy doing our own things before we swiped on them.

As I say, it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there hoping that someone swipes towards the better side and see if there is a connection that would have liberal doses of romance. I am not even talking about having a long term relationship here. Interaction between two individuals minus kindness and respect would fail without doubt under any circumstances.

One such recent interaction of mine resulted in a dinner date where the guy was intimidated with the kind of work I did in social sector. His attitude changed after that totally, as his texts were laced with belittling my work and negated with everything I said during the phoneconversations. The perfect gentleman whom I met for dinner vanished into thin air and I ended up seeing the epitome of fragile masculinity in his place. That was scary. Thankfully he unmatched me after I told him that I preferred not to interact with men who trivialised mywork. Or it could be another reason that I refused to cook pasta for him on a Friday night he wanted to invite himself to my place. As a Gender Sensitisation Trainer, I would recommend the following Do’s and Don’ts for Online

Dating guidelines

Respect our time. Women may not respond to your messages and invitations immediately as we have things to do apart from our jobs. Did you hear about the 30 percent wage gap between men and women? Do look it up please. Know that we are busy.
 All conversations need not revolve around sex, love and commitment. And there is no need to be intimidated if we are opinionated about politics and social issues. You are here to date not debate. It is better to be mindful to converse with each other using charm and sense of humour. If she laughs, you almost have her. 

 Be mindful that there is a real person at the other end of the conversation. We don’t need online Dudebros telling us what we should or shouldn’t wear. We don’t make our body shapes, no need to point out our physical flaws to us. We know our bodies better than you as we live in them. 

It would be nice if you wait until we trust you enough to give you our number and home address. Don’t push us for it. Date rape incidents are real and happening and rarely get reported. 

Bumble is a dating app owned by a woman. And many women on the app are empowered working women. If you feel intimidated by strong women, then maybe you shouldn’t be on Bumble. And please don’t use dating apps as a platform for trivialising serious issues like #MeToo and Crimes Against Women. 

Don’t be creepy. With the number of crimes against women escalating, women are constantly assessing you and the threat levels before saying ‘Yes’ to that drink. Know your place. And yes, we will be texting a couple of our friends on the location, your car number and how the date is progressing and these are basic precautions we take not to get date raped. Accept the fact that we are taking a chance trusting you amidst the escalating crime rate so, please refrain from saying #NotAllMen in a creative way.

Human interaction is important. After the first date, put in effort to stay in touch and plan the next date if you are into each other. Don’t keep things limited to texting and messaging. That’s virtual. Plan ahead respecting the fact that the other person too had a life before you came along. Don’t sulk if she refuses to meet you for dinner when you call her on the same day morning. 

Don’t judge women for going out with you. While online dating apps are the way millennials are relying on finding romantic  relationships, know that women are equal you need not throw the patriarchal judgemental garbage on us for being on a dating app.

Consent is NOT sexy. CONSENT IS MANDATORY. At every step. Respect that. When your date says ‘NO’, it is good to back off. You will earn respect by doing so.

If you are not hitting off well, say it straight, preferably in person instead of blocking this person on social media or shutting them off abruptly. This is basic decent human behaviour. End things amicably like adults. All above mentioned pointers are for the beginning of a relationship. This doesn’t stop you from being spontaneous and going out on impromptu dates, doing fun things. Just be kind, mindful
and respectful to each other and workout the magic. Wishing you all true love and a Happy Valentine’s Day.
(The writer is a Gender Sensitisation Trainer at ‘Where Are The Women’ Collective, National Organiser for #IWillGoOut)