The world today is a smorgasbord of information. If you don’t know what that means, add that to hygge, wabi-sabi and others on the ever-growing list of things you need to Google later. But, to fast forward things, what I meant to convey with my opening remark was a sense of titillation with just that right dash of curiosity. If you have read thus far, QED.
And even as you are reading this, the world is expanding. What we need is not more information but a way to sieve through the slush. Unfortunately, there’s no Game Theory to deploy here that auto de-weeds. Those only exist in bestsellers like Freakonomics.
Trouble with overload is that we miss out on the good ones. Just look at Tinder — yes, steep leap of the thought process there, but apparently it beats fear and interest at uniting people — it’s more volume over value; the ratio of frog-princes to merely frogs is so askew that a person might just consider eking it out all alone. Surely there is a way around that. Here then, ladies or gentlemen, are my red flags. Use these as a filter the next time you consider swiping right or taking the person home to meet the parents — in India I find that the time lag between the two is scarily short.
1. Basement dweller: Normally this is suffixed with “in my parent’s home”. If a grown-up hasn’t yet severed the familial umbilical cord, beware for it will wrap itself around you and choke you.
2. Chivalrous or patronising: There is a big difference between your man opening car doors for you and telling you to stick to the passenger seat. Listen carefully.
3. Voracious reader or Chetan Bhagat fan: This is pretty self-explanatory. No self-respecting human, or grammar-conscious form of life, should be reading what he can rant. If you see this on the shelf, or under hobbies, that’s your exit cue. For men, that red flag is Rupi Kaur.
4. Marvel or DC: Doesn’t matter, it was a trick question. If the person has preferences in affairs pertaining to fantastical universes then there are bigger personality issues at hand. What makes it worse: also being into Pokémon. What could perhaps redeem: if the potential partner is into Cosplay.
5. Vegan: To me, declaring your veganism is as bad as being a religious zealot: both should be practised silently, without disturbing as much as the air around you.
6. Social media psyche: Our partners are a reflection of not just our choices but also our character. So before you hook up with a prospect, stalk them savagely but silently on all social media platforms; which one they use reflects their bent of mind. Facebook is where the serious losers (sorry I meant loners, no, wait, let’s go with losers) hang out, while Twitter is for the disgruntled socialist types. If the person, and this is most applicable for Instagram, writes ‘public figure’ or ‘influencer’ under their profile then that’s where you lose their number and ghost their calls till they get the hint. Instagram, as an app, should come with the warning that ‘Objects (and subjects) in the pictures appear cooler than they are’. Lastly, with Snapchat, the very fact that they are on it is reason enough to leave them.
7. Vocabulary: No, you don’t need a walking thesaurus but you need a person who understands these following words/terms well: a woman should know ‘Bespoke’, ‘Boys’ night’, and ‘Hangover’, while a man should comprehend ‘Feelings’, ‘Alimony’ and most important of all, ‘No’!
So, not to get ahead of myself, I really think I’ve got this down pat; the red flags to filter out the garbage leaving you with more suitable choices for whatever gender you prefer your regret to come in. Meanwhile, I won’t be surprised if my algorithm shows up in the premium section of shaadimatrimony.com tomorrow. Remember, you read it here first.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.