GET REEL: Watch with the animals

It's time to visit animal house. No, not the film about the party-hardy fraternity. This house provides a home for films featuring live-action animals in significant roles. In other words, no animated animals are allowed in, though animals created with special effects will be accepted.

The problem with writing about films with animated animals is that there's so many of them that Noah couldn't fit them all on a fleet of arks. Films with live-action animals are far less numerous, basically because many of these critters don't take direction well. Others present a safety issue. "Oops, our hippo just crushed Tom Cruise." Of course, films where live-action animals, or at least their computer-generated cousins, do munch on or manhandle mankind provide much of the entertainment.

The following column includes my personal favorites and is not meant as an exhaustive list of all films featuring live-actions animals. I may even unintentionally leave out an animal. Maybe someone has made a memorable movie about dung beetles. The list is presented in animal alphabetical order.

APES - We'll include all manner of simians here. The candidates include many, though not all of the "Planet of the Apes" films, many, though definitely not of all the "King Kong" films, "Congo," "Gorillas in the Mist," "Every Which Way But Loose," various “Tarzan” films and, of course, "Bedtime for Bonzo."

Tough choice here between the original "Planet of the Apes" (1968) and "King Kong" (either the 1933 original or the 2005 remake). A soft spot in my heart belongs to the real-life orangutan in "Every Which Way But Loose" since he’s really acting. But in terms of cinematic caliber, the vote here goes to “Planet of the Apes." There's no monkey business with Charlton Heston, folks.

BIRDS – The candidates include “The Birdman of Alcatraz,” “March of the Penguins,” “The Last Parrots of Telegraph Hill,” “Fly Away Home,” “Winged Migration,” “Paulie” and “The Birds.”

Lot of quality on the wing here, but it’s rare to see a real animal, or in this case real animals, wreaking havoc in a live-action film as the far-from-feathered friends do in “The Birds.” Granted, they don’t actually gouge out Suzanne Pleshette’s eyes, but director Alfred Hitchcock makes you think they did. It's a serious pecking order. Sorry, I can’t help myself.

CATS – All manner of felines are welcome here. The candidates include “Harry & Tonto,” “The Cat People,” “Born Free,” “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,” “Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey,” “The Adventures of Milo and Otis,” “Keanu,” “Life of Pi,” and, of course, “The Wizard of Oz.”

Some more difficult choices. “Born Free” really got to me when I saw it as a youngster, but I was more amazed by the story told in “Life of Pi’ where, after a shipwreck, a boy is stranded on a lifeboat with a tiger. Don’t try that on your dinghy, kids.

CETACEANS – Say what? They’re marine mammals that we all know and love as dolphins, porpoises and whales. The candidates include “Dolphin Tale,” “The Cove,” “Eye of the Dolphin,” “Blackfish,” “Flipper” (the 1963 version), “Whale Rider,” “Free Willy,” “Namu, the Killer Whale, “Orca” and “Moby Dick.”

The most compelling films here are the documentaries: “The Cove” about the dolphin hunting practices in Japan and “Blackfish” about orcas in captivity. Neither film is easy to watch - definitely not for the children. Much more family friendly is the masterful “Whale Rider” about a girl, who, well, rides whales, much to the dismay of her elders. It’s a male thing, don’t you know. The film earned a best actress Oscar nomination for 13-year-old Keisha Castle-Hughes.

CROCODILES – We’ll include alligators here. This is hard category from which to pick a quality candidate because so many crocodile/alligator movies fall into the “so bad they’re good” category. Clearly most of these films like "Rogue" aren’t for the squeamish, and they’re not meant to be. The more human body parts removed the better. The “Crocodile Dundee” films are about as family-friendly as these reptilian movies get.

“Lake Placid” gets my vote here as it actually features a talented cast (Bill Pullman, Bridget Fonda, Oliver Platt and even Betty White appear as potential gator bait), decent production values, a tongue-in-cheek script and solid direction from Belmont’s own David E. Kelley, aka Mr. Michelle Pfeiffer. The giant alligator turns in the best acting performance.

DOGS – We’ll welcome wolves here but not werewolves. The candidates include “Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey,” “Best in Show,” “Iron Will,” “Benji,” “Lassie Come Home,” “Marley & Me,” “Turner & Hooch,” “The Adventures of Milo and Otis,” “Beethoven,” “White Fang,” “My Dog Skip,” “Dances with Wolves,” “A Dog’s Purpose” and “Old Yeller.”

So which of these movies makes you cry (or laugh) more? From a very strong category, I’ll have to go with the one that made me blubber as a child – “Old Yeller.” The highs and lows of dog ownership as experienced by a young boy in a tale expertly told. As an adult, “Homeward Bound” had me repeatedly reaching for Kleenex.

DRAGONS – OK, these creatures aren’t real, but who cares? They’re really cool – gigantic, flying fire breathers. What’s not to like?

The candidates include “Willow,” “Dragonslayer,” “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,” “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug,” “Reign of Fire,” “Maleficent,” “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,” “Dragonheart,” “The NeverEnding Story” and “Peter’s Dragon” (the 2016 film, not the 1977 cartoon).

I suppose the pick here depends on whether you like your dragons ferocious or friendly. Since dragons are typically portrayed as villains, I’ll choose a film where the dragon is a hero. My choice here is “Pete’s Dragon,” a winning story about the friendship between boy and beast. Smaug gets my vote as the best villain as he has attitude along with a scaly mean streak.

ELEPHANTS – Plenty of movies feature elephants, most of them doing to a disservice to pachyderms. “Operation Dumbo Drop,” anyone? The winner by default in “Water for Elephants,” a romance under the big top starring Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon.

FISH – Not much to choose from here. “A Fish Called Wanda” is arguably the best film with a fish in a supporting role. The best film with a fish in a leading role is unquestionably “Piranha,” the 1978 horror film written by John Sayles before he was an Oscar-winning director. OK, the movie is an obvious “Jaws” rip-off but it rips off the 1975 shark film with biting humor.

FROGS – The 1972 horror film “Frogs” wins by default. Hey, it stars the Oscar-winning actor Ray Milland and Sam Elliott. So bad it’s good? Actually, it’s just bad. A much better film featuring frogs is “Magnolia” with Tom Cruise in one of his best performances.

HORSES – So many movies with equine stars. What is it with Hollywood and horses? All that beauty and power on four skinny legs, how can you resist? The candidates include “The Black Stallion,” “Sea Biscuit,” “Secretariat,” “National Velvet,” “War Horse,” “Black Beauty,” “A Day at the Races,” “The Horse Whisperer” and “Hidalgo.”

For me, it’s a toss-up between “Sea Biscuit” and “Secretariat,” the former about a horse no one had any faith in because he was trouble and the latter about a horse owner no one had faith in because she was a woman. I’ll go with the former since we’re talking about horses and Sea Biscuit clearly had more hurdles to leap on his way to the winner’s circle. Who doesn’t love a great underdog story, or in this case, “underhorse”? Secretariat, on the other hand, or hoof, won the Triple Crown.

By the way, what is it with Elizabeth Taylor and animals? She was in “Lassie Come Home” and “National Velvet” before she was a teenager. One might be tempted to say she moved on to a different type of animal.

PIGS – An impressive field here includes “Charlotte’s Web,” “Gordy,” “Okja” and “Babe.” While I really enjoyed the weirdness of “Okja,” my vote has to go to “Babe,” the ultimate crowd-pleaser and critic-pleaser, too, as it drew rave reviews as well as a best picture Oscar nomination. Can pigs really herd sheep? Yes, and they can fly, too.

RABBITS – Not many live-action bunny pictures. Candidates include “Peter Rabbit,” “Harvey,” “Donnie Darko,” “Fatal Attraction” and “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” The CGI-rabbits in “Peer Rabbit” have much more to do than the other contenders (we actually never see the 6-foot-3 1/2-inch- tall rabbit in “Harvey”), but for sheer hilarity we’ll go with the cute killer bunny in “Holy Grail.” If you’ve never seen a rabbit decapitate a knight, here’s your chance. Sadly, I have not seen "Night of the Lepus" where mutant rabbits go on the rampage. Bugs bugs out.

RATS – and mice. Choices are few here. There’s “Willard,” the 1971 horror film starring Bruce Davison, Ernest Borgnine, Sondra Locke and, of course, Elsa Lanchester, and its 1972 sequel “Ben,” featuring the title song sung by Michael Jackson. Ever get a gnawing feeling about a movie? Much less horrific is the 1999 family comedy “Stuart Little” about a mouse who is adopted by a human family. Merriment ensues. The film was co-written by M. Night Shyamalan, who directed “The Sixth Sense,” also from 1999. Nice change of pace, M.

SHARKS – The success of “Jaws” spawned an ocean full of shark movies, nearly all of them as worthwhile as fly-infested chum. Candidates with varying amounts of quality include “The Shallows,” “The Meg,” “Open Water,” “Deep Blue Sea” and “Sharknado.” For humor, you can’t beat the latter film, but for thrills, chills and bloody gills, there’s only one choice - “Jaws.” That director Steven Spielberg managed to scare the fecal matter out of millions of moviegoers with a malfunctioning mechanical shark is a true sign of genius.

SNAKES – Plenty of movies about snakes, nearly all of them either dreadful or truly dreadful. Two films that transcend dreadful to enter the reptilian realm of comedy are “Snakes on a Plane” and “Anaconda.” The former film, starring Samuel L. Jackson, is about - drum roll, please - snakes on a plane. That’s truth in advertising, people. The latter film is a costume drama about a tempestuous girl who - wait, no, that’s “Anne of Green Gables.” “Anaconda” is about a huge snake with a healthy appetite starring Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz, Jonathan Hyde and Owen Wilson. The regurgitation scene alone is worth the price of admission, and I’ll say no more. If you have a warped sense of humor, this snake film is a charmer.

We should conclude by noting that the 2016 live-action version of “The Jungle Book” contains several CGI animals in major roles, including wolves, a panther, a tiger, a snake, a bear, monkeys and an ape.