The very thought of following two weddings on social media takes a toll on my mental health.
For the last few days, I have been feeling terribly sad about two people: Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas. No, not because they are getting married to each other or about other trivial issues like has Nick even seen Aitraaz before committing to this? I am feeling sad about the fact that after the super-secretive, yet much-followed, Deepika Padukone-Ranveer Singh extravaganza in Italy, no one is interested in this destination wedding.
I will explain why with a personal anecdote. Growing up, every November, my dad would complain about the number of weddings he had to attend. He would have to go buy gifts, make my mom understand how she doesn’t have to buy a new saree for every wedding and make me understand how I am not invited to any of the weddings as the groom himself understood my burden of homework. After 25 years, I now understand why he complained so much.
The very thought of following two weddings on social media, checking out every paparazzi’s Instagram account, reading articles about which guests are coming, or if Sabyasachi is making the lehenga or not, takes a toll on my mental health. And once the wedding is over, there are about a dozen receptions that these celebrities throw. One reception for the media, one for family and close friends, one for the industry, one for all the exes and their families, one for all the panipuriwalas who set up stalls in the wedding, and one for themselves to check if they have even married the right person amongst all the brouhaha or not. “It was Ranveer only na, not Ranbir, right?”
Now, after following all of that for one wedding, if someone comes to me and tells me that there is another celebrity wedding happening, I will uninstall Instagram and go to the Himalayas. And it’s not just me, it’s everyone around me as well. When I asked my unemployed ex-colleague whether he is following Priyanka’s wedding or not, he said, “Dear unemployed ex-colleague, no I am not. I am very tired by the #deepveer wedding, plus these guys don’t even have a hashtag. Couldn’t they have sorted out something like #Chonas or #Jhopda?”
Even though what my unemployed colleague said was true, if I go all deep and philosophical about the disinterest showed by my fellow Instagram community towards the Priyanka and Nick Jonas wedding, one reason might be how we don’t consider Priyanka Chopra as one of us anymore, unlike Deepika and Ranveer. Priyanka has become that aunt who lives abroad and comes to India as a tourist only when a wedding is happening and we try to stay as far away from her as possible to avoid her cockiness being rubbed on us. In this case, however, the wedding is her own. In fact, I think the only reason her nephews and nieces must be attending this wedding is that they are under the assumption that she has bought some iPhones and a terrible accent from the States. But they have another thing waiting: Wedding registries. Priyanka and Nick are not waiting for your shagan, they have a list, like most Americans and would like people to adhere.
The baaratis of this half-white wedding include Game of Throne’s star Sophie Turner who, as far as I know, doesn’t have a very nice experience of being in weddings. Dwayne Johnson is also supposed to be on the ‘confirmed’ guest list. I can imagine all the nephews and nieces of Priyanka jumping on him and saying “Chest 42 clash”.
According to my Instagram sources who scroll through Instagram all day long, this wedding is supposed to take place in Umaid Bhawan in Jodhpur. Again, such typical NRI behaviour. The moment any of us go abroad and make friends, the first place we ask them to visit is Rajasthan, as if they have never seen a desert, camels and turbans together. I wonder when Rajasthan will be relieved from the responsibilities of being the ‘Sanskari’ kid of India. Anytime we have to show off India, we take pictures of Rajasthan, put some moustaches blowing shehnai in it, and boom! That’s India for you. But sorry Priyanka, no matter how fancy a wedding you have, I can assure you that very few people are following your wedding as crazily online. We are all exhausted and tired from #DeepVeer, and unless Nick Jonas promises to wear a beautiful flowing kurta like Ranveer, it’s all too foreign for us. But please Nick, don’t become another Justin Trudeau — he tried so hard to impress us that his official trip ended up looking like a Manyavar advertisement.
Like my father said, Priyanka, you should’ve gotten married in the States as no one would’ve gone to your wedding from India since flights are expensive and it would have saved a lot of money per plate.
For what its online presence is worth, I will give this wedding two out of five stars. But I sincerely hope that it runs successfully for many years.
Vishal Dayama is a full-time part-timer, who religiously dedicates his life to cracking bad jokes. He also writes scripts for comedians. He is @sarcusstic on Twitter.
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