Q: When I knock on someone's front door, is it okay to look into the house through the glass on the side of the door, or in the door? Or do I stand back so the resident is unable to see me until they open the door? M.K., BUDERIM, QLD

A: Reverse the situation. You're at home alone. You hear the door knock. You go to answer it … and as you approach, you see a face peering through the door glass. Door glass is normally frosted, so the face looks eerie and ghost-like, with a hideous clownish grin because everyone smiles like an idiot when they peer through door glass.

Door glass is also often dirty, so the face will be speckled with strange splotches and there might be cobwebs hanging from the eyes. Door glass is also often leadlight, so the face could be garishly stained in green, yellow and red patches, with black lead-strip scarring like it's been stitched together from the skin of all the poor victims who have answered The Doorknocker's deadly knock. Finally, you take a deep breath and open the front door, praying that The Doorknocker kills you quickly and painlessly, and when they stitch your skin onto their face, they use nice, even stitchwork. Take a bit of care. Least they can do.

Does this answer your question? Probably best not to peek through door glass: stand at least a metre back, keep your hands where they can see them, and assume a non-threatening, ear-flattened, submissive-dog pose. One exception: if the house is owned by a good friend and they know you're coming, then you can give a jaunty rhythmic friend-knock, smoosh your face onto the door glass, do a grotesque blowfish mouth, then step back and draw a lewd image in the condensation. They will be expecting it.

guru@fairfaxmedia.com.au

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