Letter to the Editor: How to flip a church in eight easy steps

Welcome to "How to Flip a Church in Eight Easy Steps: A Vatican Reality Show."

Today’s contestant: St. Anne’s Church & Shrine.

1. Purchase the church below market value. One dollar from the Dominican Fathers of Canada in the 1970s was an excellent price, but perhaps you could have haggled them down to 50 cents or otherwise the price of a pack of Marlboro back then.

2. Use St. Anne’s Church and Shrine as a vessel for prophets, I mean profits. In other words don’t put a cent in for maintenance or upkeep for 50 years and send all the donations, contributions and tithes through the direct pipeline to the Fall River Diocese and of course the Vatican. After all, the Vatican needs another $300 million painting for its recently renovated bathroom.

3. Skyrocket the tuition for the St. Anne’s Catholic School education to lower admissions and then explain you must close due to dwindling enrollment and that it would cost millions to fix everything, in another neglected building. Sell school building and land to St. Anne’s Hospital, who demolished it in 2010 to build a medical center and parking lot. It’s simply supply-chain economics. Without the school you have stopped generations of children and their families and friends from attending St. Anne’s Church. You have now also eliminated the building used for fundraising events when foolish parishioners try to save the actual church, our main target for destruction. While you're at it, sell the St. Anne’s Little League field for $2 million to prevent more family involvement with the church. Again, send all the proceeds, several million dollars through the direct pipeline to the Fall River Diocese and the Vatican. Nothing is to be given to St. Anne’s Church & Shrine.

4. Sell the rectory. This will prevent any bleeding heart priests from getting too attached to the “building.” Reassign any priest who visits the idea of trying to save the church or make renovations. Send all those millions of dollars from the sale of the rectory to the Fall River Diocese and Vatican too. Thank you St. Anne’s, not a penny for you!

5. Let the church sit unmaintained, without renovations, for 50 years in hopes it will reach a dilapidated state. During homilies, when parishioners are in that half asleep hypnotic state, insert the subliminal message, “The church is just a building. The church is just a building.” Soon many parishioners’ unconscious minds will accept this message and pass it on to others.

6. Set up a make-believe planning committee consisting mostly of parishioners from other churches who are happy and relieved that it is not their church that is closing (for now) and use deception in explaining how the renovation process would be too costly to proceed. Then the bishop will dictate and inflict his will onto the parishioners stating that we must close St. Anne’s because of low attendance and the cost of $13.5 million to repair. It’s important to never, I repeat never, mention it would cost only $450,000 for a new slate roof and only a little more to repair falling plaster and they could have reopened the upper church that may have never needed to be closed in the first place.

7. Have the bishop send out the “heavy heart letter,” which is duplicated for all church closings, stating that St. Anne’s will be closing on Nov. 25, 2018. The bishop should never do this in person, only by letter and Facebook, for the bishop should not get too personal with his flock. Never mention the 10 day calendar period for appeals. Get parishioners to try and think of this act as a late Thanksgiving present or an early Christmas present for the bishop as he preaches it is better to give than receive. The bishop may remind St. Anne’s parishioners, “You have given everything away, but you will have your treasure and reward in heaven!”

8. Just to add fuel to the fire, the bishop will celebrate the final Mass at St. Anne’s. It will be more like a funeral for a church. Hearts will be broken, tears will be shed. He will be all adorned in his bishop ensemble, proudly carrying his shepherd’s staff and reminding the parishioners that he is their shepherd and you are his flock and believe it or not, parishioners and citizens of Fall River, the bishop has just pulled the wool right over our eyes. At closing he will kick the last sheep out of the “building,” sending him out to pasture new land, a new church, or perhaps a new religion. The bishop is then to put chains around the door to prevent anyone from entering until it is time for the vultures to come in to strip away all the beauty of St. Anne’s Church & Shrine right down to its bare bones. Soon the wrecking ball and cranes will be on site to raze the building. The beautiful blue marble stones and granite blocks will be sold to President Trump to help build the border wall that will help prevent Central and South American Catholics from entering the country, coming up to the Fall River Diocese and ruining their future real estate deals. Then the Fall River Diocese will sell the land to St. Anne’s Hospital for more expansion and soon St. Anne’s Church and Shrine will be just a memory for the living and not even a thought for all future generations.

Mission accomplished. Congratulations, you flipped St. Anne’s in eight easy steps. Who’s next?

Edward J. Costa

Fall River

St. Anne’s parishioner