Language is a living entity, it evolves with us and changes its form, often so much that a few decades apart it becomes difficult to understand each other. At least, that is how I put down the constant disagreements I have had with my folks over a choice of haircut. (Yes, I’m talking about a long time ago.)
But family feuds aside, language changes, and involuntarily so, for no matter how staunchly we wish to hold on to it, there is always someone concocting new ways to put their thoughts together. Creativity (as shown in words like onomatopoeic), genius (Shakespeare’s ‘assassination’), or just plain laziness (LOL, omitted apostrophes), words are constantly being added or subtracted and we are two grunts and a click away from being completely incomprehensible.
Also as language evolves, older expressions hold lesser sway. Today when I tell people that I have to go see a man about a dog, they inquire about the dog, and when one hears ‘Tell it to the marines’, many a soul wonders why the armed forces need be involved with information of dubious distinction. In other words, as language changes, its context changes and therefore it is mighty important for everyone to update their reference lexicon along-with.
In the comic/graphic novel world, they call this phenomenon Retcon (for ‘retroactive continuity’, which is too many syllables for millennials to process, hence, Retcon). For example, the Adam West Batman…no? OK, Michael Keaton? Still no? Val Kilmer? Argh, I give up. Well, the Batmans before George Clooney, Christian Bale and Ben Affleck, hold little sway over the generation today, just like my version of the English language. So I felt this undying urge to push further the evolution envelope, and update some similes/idioms/turn of phrases that I feel are dying in times today. Perhaps this isn’t as much retcon as it is akin to updating an old app but, unlike the iPhone, this update should make future functioning faster. Feel free to incorporate into daily coinage as you feel pertinent.
As cheesy as PR spiel: Any cheesier, and you’d need to perform open heart to clear the clog-up!
As obvious as paid posts: If your social account is full of friends asking you to ‘Swipe up to see more’, then you are clearly being commoditised by said friends. But that’s fine really, as long as they treat you with the money they rake in by hawking you trinkets.
As jaded as a hotel gift shop: These are sadistic spaces, like lost and found rooms where nobody ever turned up to claim their junk! They stock things that have a high “will end up at a garage sale” quotient.
As insipid as a food fest: When quantity beats quality, crass derides class, that’s when you head to a food fest. It’s a masochistic way of punishing your senses where the eyes are all excited, but the other senses are terribly let down in the process of ordering anything.
As comfy as staff meals: By corollary, nothing is more soul-satisfying as food that chefs make for their teams; get in on some of that action and you will see why staff meals are so superlative.
As unapologetic as a parliament: They make mistakes on our money and hence are never left the poorer for it. In fact, the collective noun for parliamentarians or politicians should simply be one of these two: “A ridicule of” or simply, “A waste of”.
As excited as a bench player called in for the last 10 minutes of play: I have pups, I have seen them at mealtime and yet the excitement of the bench-warmer sports star being called upon is far more palpable.
If this list doesn’t push your literary quotient higher, then frankly you have bigger problems to work on.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.