Respected Sir/Madam,
How many years I have been married to one Mrs. Kamalam Mathrubootham? You tell me!
Forty-five years, sir/ madam not less than 45 years.
And during 45 years, how many times I have made jokes and comedy to make this lady laugh? Countless and countless jokes. Non-stop comedy in Mr. Mathrubootham’s house. You ask anybody. I am not exaggerating even one per cent.
During last week pranayama class, when Mrs. Varma lost balance and tumbled into bougainvillea plant who said, “Oh my god I hope you are ok?” and Mrs. Varma said, “No problem sir I am perfectly fine,” and then I said “ I was talking to the poor bougainvillea!” and every single person laughed and laughed like anything. (Actually, it was a tragedy Sir/ Madam. Mrs. Varma is a wonderful lady and all but once she got into Maruti Alto and then we had to call fire brigade. Nothing is left of the plant.”)
Of course, I myself made that joke.
During my Bank of India days everybody used to say, “If you are organising Diwali party please invite Mr. Mathrubootham. Without him there is no use of party. Party without Mathrubootham is like adai without avial.”
This is what other people used to say. Not at all my words. In fact, I have reduced their words due to modesty.
And yet Kamalam comes into living room this morning and says: “Mr. Mathrubootham have you seen this stand-up comedy type items on YouTube? It is so funny.”
I said, “Of course not, when so many Alistair MacLean novels and Suhasini films are there, where is the time for YouTube?” But she forced me to watch some comedy fellows. I thought it was ok. But she laughed and laughed and laughed like diesel generator.
And then, Sir/ Madam, she said: “This comedian is the funniest man I have ever met.”
Excuse me, what nonsense you are talking, ungrateful woman sitting in my house — technically loan is in her name but still — sitting on my sofa, watching on phone that I gave for birthday present, and then saying some stupid Abeesh Matthew is funniest man you have met.
No problem. If you can play this game, I can also play this game.
I took my own phone and opened YouTube. I very well know that Mrs. Mathrubootham hates Meenakshi Seshadri like anything. So after playing Meenakshi Seshadri songs for half an hour nonstop, I said “Kamalam, is there a more beautiful and talented and gentle and cultured woman than Meenakshi Seshadri in India?”
Ha ha ha ha. Sir/ Madam, you should have seen her face. In one second, Kamalam’s face went from rose flower to karunai kilangu.
“Old man, then why you married me? You should have married that stupid woman. Maybe she is so stupid she will laugh at your jokes also. Why must I suffer alone?”
Immediately, I put more Seshadri songs in higher volume. Then she increased volume on her phone and started laughing even louder.
I will never give up. So I connected Seshadri video to home theatre and put it on full volume. Immediately, Mrs. Mathrubootham connected her phone to computer speakers and put that on high volume.
She was laughing so loudly nearby Anna Nagar area all cats escaped. I started singing along with Ms. Seshadri: ‘Jane do jane do mujhe jana hai’ in maximum volume.
Finally, after two minutes, constable came from local police station. He has now taken our phones. We will only get it back tomorrow. And if we make loud noise once more, arrest will happen.
Yours in domestic disturbance,
J. Mathrubootham