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Financial advisers often pride themselves on their people skills. They listen well and connect with clients in a genuine way, building trust and rapport.
But when clients suffer a tragedy, an adviser’s conversational ability is put to the test. Efforts to express sorrow can backfire, creating even more pain for those overcome with grief.
David Cordell knows this all too well. In 2006, his 24-year-old son died unexpectedly from a drug overdose.
While he gained comfort from friends who provided silent support, Cordell also observed a range of reactions from others that only exacerbated his anguish. Learning from their well-intentioned attempts to offer solace, he now shares lessons with other financial advisers on how to cope with a client’s devastating news.
A certified financial planner and finance professor at the University of Texas at Dallas, Cordell recalls that upon learning of his son Rob’s passing, some individuals gasped. Visibly shaken, they sometimes sputtered that they didn’t know what to say. He understood — and persevered through these difficult moments.
In other cases, they uttered phrases such as, “He’s in a better place.” This did not go over as well.
Cordell suggests that advisers respond to clients’ tragic events with an expression of concerned compassion and sorrow rather than a look of unbridled horror. A full-throttle emotional outburst can cause a client to relive the most intense degree of pain.
He cautions advisers to avoid three types of statements that may sound harmless but actually sting:
1. “You’ll get over it in time.” Actually, they won’t. The pain never vanishes, Cordell says, although it can fluctuate and abate.
2. “It must be so terrible.” Yes, that’s true. But it’s hardly useful to state the obvious, Cordell warns.
3. “You can have another child.” That may be possible. But Cordell knows that children cannot be replaced.
Even if all the right things are said, an adviser may start to judge a client’s response in the weeks and months following a grievous loss. Resist that urge.
“It’s easy to lose patience and feel that the client should be able to compartmentalize, to separate their personal life from their financial life,” Cordell said. “It doesn’t work that way. The emotion from the death of a loved one overwhelms all thought processes.”
As a result, prepare to spend more time with your client. Listen to their anecdotes and reflections. Simply allowing them to open up can help them get through the day.
Your nonverbal cues also can reinforce your intent to pay attention. Maintain gentle eye contact, hold all calls, and avoid glancing at your phone or computer screen.
“When they come into your office, get out from behind your desk,” Cordell said. “Sit in a chair or sofa with no other furniture between you and your client.”
Tread carefully if you’re tempted to cite your experience dealing with the loss of a loved one. Trying to compare levels of grief — or assuring a client that you’ve undergone the requisite stages of acceptance of death — may not provide much solace.
‘It is probably the worst thing that ever happened to them, and that makes it the worst thing that ever happened in the history of the universe.’
“Don’t try to equate any of your losses with theirs,” Cordell said. “It may seem like you’re showing empathy, but you’re really suggesting that their loss isn’t a big deal. It is a big deal. It is probably the worst thing that ever happened to them, and that makes it the worst thing that ever happened in the history of the universe.”
He adds that there are positive steps you can take to navigate the situation with appropriate care and concern. For starters, send a handwritten note conveying your sympathy. But don’t stop there: Send a fresh card a month later — and then another one a year later — to show that the client remains in your thoughts.
“By sending a note long after the event, you are recognizing that they are still suffering,” he said. “After one year, it is sufficient to write something like, ‘Thinking of you on this sad anniversary.’”
Further actions include attending the memorial service and donating to a charitable cause in the name of the deceased. You may also want to give the client a book on grieving, such as “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant.
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