For 29-year-old Aastha (name changed), finding a partner for marriage in not an easy task. She has been diagnosed with HIV and thanks to the stigma associated with the condition, hardly anyone is interested in an alliance.

“I am honest about it when I meet people. But, that is not helping me find a partner. I have not specified my condition in the regular matrimonial site. I, however, make it a point to make it clear to anyone who shows interest, which has proven to work against me so far,” said Aastha.

It is particularly harrowing for those like her, who have already been shunned by their families. “My grandmother has been through with me in my fight. She has been accompanying me through all my counselling sessions for marriage as well,” she said.

Being someone with HIV or coming from a family tested positive for the condition would prove to be a great challenge, especially in India where marriage more than an understanding between two individuals, noted Dr N Kumarasamy, Chief Medical Officer, YR Gaitonde Centre for AIDS Research and Education (YRG CARE). “As it is mandatory to disclose your status before getting married to someone, most HIV positive cases end up facing rejection. In very few cases, we see interested persons come forward to enquire about the risks of getting married to a HIV positive person,” he said.

That a condition like HIV would lead to such a situation was known in the early years itself. Dr Suniti Solomon, who documented the first cases of HIV infection in India in the late 80s, used to stress on the need for the patients to find life partners.

“Because, dealing with a disease that has a stigma is a Herculean task. Having a spouse with the same condition can help them cope with it better. The first was a couple who spoke different languages, but their marriage was a success,” recalled a person who counsels those with the disease to get into marital relationships at the YRG CARE, the organisation that Dr Suniti had set up.

But Dr Suniti’s efforts to help HIV positive people find life partners was perhaps an idea ahead of its time, as it is even now, and was understandably met with a lot of resistance from those with the condition.

One option the experts and activists are looking at is to set up an exclusive portal where an HIV positive person can choose another with the same condition, added Dr Kumarasamy. Pointing out how there is no significant platform available to meet the need, he said: 

“Any such portal created exclusively for the HIV positive persons will be helpful for them.” Even when it remains rather bleak, there still are warm stories that seem to keep these activists and experts going. 

So far, added the specialist marriage counsellor, there have been 30 marriages between HIV positive persons. “We had a woman who was being followed up for HIV, who had refused to get married. She had lost her husband who had transmitted the disease to her. Soon, her child, too, passed away due to HIV. 

She chose to remain alone, saying her parents’ support was more than enough for her. However, she later agreed to remarry, and we were able to help find a match for her, a person from New Delhi. Today, they have two children, both of whom are HIV negative.” However, even amid these upheavals, finding a suitable match has almost the same set of challenges, added the counsellor. 

“They don’t want to compromise on the caste or religion. They even have income preferences. But we try our best to get them a suitable partner, as it is a burdening disease. And such marriages can offer them solace.” With over 8,700 cases being tested positive between 2017 and 2018, the need for such a portal is felt extremely essential. “Despite development in the way one thinks, HIV continues to be stigmatised in our country. As a result, many prefer not to disclose their positive status even to their close family members. 

Exclusive marriage portals will therefore help persons believe in themselves as well. We counsel the individuals and their families when they approach us in search of the right partner,” said Gurunandan, who works for such a portal in Karnataka.

“A 33-year-old woman from Tamil Nadu had approached us three months ago when she found it difficult to find a partner.

She had met more than eight men, all of whom rejected her as soon as she disclosed her condition to them.

She had almost given up. That is when she heard of the concept of exclusive marriage portals. We helped her out, and she is expected to get married this year,” he added.