The very mention of CRISPR and gene editing leads to a pallor in ever parlour, one that was hitherto only conceivably inducible by mentioning Hitler and following it up with a gesundheit. Those were the days, when fears were real, and threats didn’t come in the form of (or from) virtual cyber-nonsense. Today, we live insulated lives where our in-bred insecurities are the real terrorists.
But back to the more happy topic of gene pool revaluation, and frankly, I cannot see anything wrong with re-writing my genetic code, provided, and this is important, the changes being introduced are logically explicable and for the greater good. So, no inducing bionic arms or super-strength legs, no cleft chins or dimpled smiles, not even a little more junk in the trunk, basically nothing that makes me more awesome than I already am.
But in spite of this burden of perfection, I do modestly admit that there are a few areas where even I could use a touch up. Here they are and the minute these hit the market, I am taking a trip to the hills with ’em!
1.Grow a tail: The one reason why humans are such a difficult lot is because it’s hard to read them. Having a tail would simplify that as the display of the innate emotion — wagging tail, tail between legs — would become more visually obvious. Only downside? Poker tournaments would die out soon after and those losers will go back to their jobs at call centres.
2.Alopecia: What twisted world can cure cancer but not find a cure for premature hairfall? Sure, dying is made out to be the bigger deal but try living a long life with early onset hair loss, it’s way more taxing. A good part of my mid-to-late 20s was spent under much stress because of this issue. Just once I would like to feel the wind in my hair, and not only through the follicles on my chest.
3.Forgetfulness: Just like poker players, couples’ counsellors stand to lose their day jobs if CRISPR can keep us men from forgetting. Here, I refer to youthful forgetting, not the kind attributed to some old-age linked degenerative disease. But the counsellor peeps will have it worse than the poker boys because when these folk try to go back to their jobs as artists and gardeners, they’ll see that the flower and greeting cards market, too, would have had suffered a similar crunch.
4.Remove drowsiness after a heavy meal: I would give anything to not fall promptly asleep after a heavy meal. It is one big reason why nothing good comes from my business luncheons.
5.Turn carbs into muscle by sleeping: Actually, while we are on meals, the only thing that will get these sustainability (often tree-hugging vegan) nutters off my cement lawns is a gene that doesn’t require me to bother with eating healthy. If I could wolf down all the pizzas and burgers (meat-laden, of course) and convert them to muscle simply by going to sleep, why, you’d need a charming prince to wake me up every morning, too.
When CRISPR can do all this, then we shall know that we are truly God. Till then, it is just a new sandbox for nerds to put forth more nominations for the Darwin awards.
This column is for anyone who gives an existential toss.