Back when I was young, a family visit to a restaurant was such a thrill. Much to my brother’s disappointment I would always pick out spaghetti Bolognese, leaving him with little choice for when he finished his meal and turned to mine — but it was still a special occasion.
The names of some of our favourite places still pop into my head sometimes. In Delhi it was Isfahan at the Taj Palace, the Machaan at Taj Man Singh’s and Dasaprakash at the Ambassador. In Connaught Place we had the always reliable Gaylords, Kwality’s and Volga. And then I remember a no-longer-existing restaurant called Laguna, where, when I was too young to know better, I got up and danced around my foxtrotting parents when the live band played ‘Never on a Sunday’.
But how things have changed today! With distances being what they are and the traffic being what it is, it seems so much easier to order in. Youngsters don’t need to wait for their parents to take them out, whether they’re dining in or taking off god knows where, and the sheer number of choices is, to use contemporary terminology, mind boggling. What affords me no end of amusement though is the way restaurant names have changed, whether they’re just delivery joints or full-fledged dine-out places. If you’ve ever used Zomato’s Order or Swiggy, you’ll find just going through the names of restaurants makes for sheer entertainment.
Pun intended
Scrolling through and deciding what to order, I get side-tracked by restaurant names that seem to have sprung out of a session of brainstorming for puns and general word play. Bun Intended, a place that sells burgers and the like, is simple and cute enough, but there are more. Pasta la Vista, for example, or Drink Wink, and — one that had me in splits — Chew Mantar. What were they thinking? Equally funny is Lettuce Eat and Owl is Well, the owl being a clear indication of late late night delivery. Sometimes the word play goes too far and too risqué for me such as Hog! Just Fork It or Pho King, Between Buns (forgiven because of its excellent pink burgers), Second Base (not forgiven), etc. Then there are a few that are obvious tributes to today’s online era and Instagrammer guests. There’s Hashtag LOL, and #Nofilter, both of which ended up filtering me out with names that sounded too forced.
Bollywood flavour
Clearly inspired by the silver screen and general celebrity, we also have Bhookemon, based, of course, on the famous Pokemon Go game. Niantic Inc will be amused and if they try the mutton curry, delighted. There’s Baking Bad which actually isn’t bad at all and makes some mean pizzas, and Big Bake Theory which reminds me I must watch the much recommended Big Bang Theory some day. Mastani Biryani reminds me straight away of Deepika Padukone, and Night Angles which reminds me of nothing and leaves me baffled.
Staying with the silver screen, if you’re fond of rolls and wraps look for Rollmaal, RollPlay, Filmy Roll, and Rolling Pin. Well, perhaps not the latter through it’s a bakery and probably pretty good.
Hunger Must Die
Making no bones about the fact that we eat because we need to, there’s actually a restaurant called Hunger Must Die and several others like it such as one that screams Stop My Starvation, Starvin Marvin, Big Jaws, and Hunger Pangs, and of course the delectable PotBelly and Mahabelly, where you get Erichi something. There’s even a Food Bank and Foodex, which I’m guessing is cleverly inspired by FedEx. There are a few restaurant names that don’t make sense, such as Hunger Strike which isn’t something you’d normally associate with an eating joint. In the same vein, we have Heaven’s Kitchen, which is not somewhere I’d choose to eat while still in the realm of the living.
There a few more that I found highly unsettling. Brown Sugar, which I remember from my psychology books back in college, was another name for heroin. Equally shudder-worthy is Get Grubs, grubs being pre-insects, if I’m not mistaken. Also somewhat disturbing is You Got Served which never fails to make me look nervously at my post.
But these names are nothing compared with a collection that has me shaking my head in utter disbelief. On this list is Speak Greasy which, needless to say, makes me lose my appetite, and Bats on Delivery which features my least favourite animal. Cravity reminds me of my dentist whom I like to stay clear of, and Whipped makes me wince though one can see the connection and they make a wonderful upside down pineapple cake, with or without eggs. Also outright unbelievable are Scooter on the Wall, Flake Head, Cafe Auto Bahn, Get Deserted, and OCD — Online Cake Delivery, not obsessive compulsive disorder. And these are just in and around the place I live in.
Should your head spin with this feast of choices, you can always hunt for something that bravely refused to enter the rat race — No Name Pizza.