In a country where the news on most days has reports of child abuse or inflation in prices, young couples seem to be developing bitter feelings as opposed to the joy of becoming parents. Known as antinatalism, an increasing number of partners is assigning a negative value to giving birth because they are against raising a child in this unsafe world; additionally, their economic situations unpermitting. Couples in Chennai who have consciously made this decision not to procreate, explain what factors they considered before doing so and if they’ve been happy with their decision.

“I decided not to have a child when I was a child,” says R Ganesh, a client servicing manager in a private firm. He justifies this by saying, “I don’t want to take the responsibility of bringing a child into this already over-populated world and turn out to be incapable of providing or caring for him/her in the right manner. Raising a kid is not easy because they’re dependent on parents for at least 20 years. My wife Aparna and I can barely survive through the month in an urban setting so how is it fair to bring a child into this?” he asks.

 

They’ve found a creative way to fulfill their parental cravings by raising three rescued and adopted cats! Aparna chips in, “Many of our friends are shocked that we’re happier being pet parents than raising a child. In fact, our families were easier to convince than our peers.”

 

This couple (they requested confidentiality) completely agree with Aparna and Ganesh. What irks them the most and further reassures the duo that their decision of not wanting kids is right, is the ‘template’ their relatives and peers expected them to fit into.  “First, you need to get married, then have the first child, followed by a second. Buy a house, buy a car… Honestly, I can’t do that grind. I hate the fact that couples undergo so much pressure to have a child that there’s a fertility clinic almost on every street!” she says. Many of her friends have faced severe mental trauma due to the inability to procreate, she says.

The duo, who have now been married for 10 years, say they couldn’t have been happier. “We both quit our jobs and are full-time farmers now. I was just 21 when we tied the knot, but from then until now, neither of us has had any regrets about not being parents,” she says.

Society, to a great extent, also influences many young parents against having a child. Sandeep Swaminathan (name changed) feels, “With what confidence do we bring a new life into a world that really has no need for a higher population? If you take Bengaluru for example, people possibly don’t want children because the expenses are so high. Chennai too is reaching that stage, where basics like housing, healthcare and food cost more than gold.”

He believes that he’d rather not start a family than stress himself out and sacrifice all his personal dreams and goals.

‘If some people don’t want to have biological kids, or aren’t able to for some reason, why can’t they think of adoption?’ question some couples, but even this is not as easy as it seems. “Every day we hear cases of rape and abuse against children; just yesterday, a few teenage girls were found retained in a brothel in Andhra Pradesh, obviously against their will. So even if we’re open to adopting, the horrific thought of a child — be it male or female — possibly going through something like this, prevents us,” he adds.

For Antoinette Mazumdar and her partner, antinatalism takes on quite the extreme form due to concerns about how much strain the human race is putting on the planet. “I’m a huge advocate for eradication of our species. If it were up to me, I’d try to find some virus or bacterium that would only affect human DNA. I think it’s time to surrender the planet back to nature because we’ve done a bad job,” she stresses. 

City-based family counsellor Dr R. Suryakumar says, “I’ve met a lot of couples who say they don’t wish to have children by choice but I am not sure how genuine they are with their stand. They might use this excuse to cover up some other problem. That said, I came across two couples who were very clear about what they wanted in life. They didn’t want children because their outlook towards life was totally different. The couples wanted to travel the world and explore their passion. ‘Not wanting to have children gives us the freedom to discover ourselves’, is what they told me.”

Ask him the most common reasons why a couple opts not to have kids and he replies, “One main reason is financial instability — considering the cost of living expenses, they get scared if they would be able to nurture their kids in a decent manner. This thought questions their ability to become good parents. The second concern is the safety of children but nobody told me directly that the world we live in is cruel so they decided not to have kids.” 

Every individual has a purpose in life and wants to be remembered for it. “Once, during a work-life balance session, a girl, who opposed the idea of marriage, bluntly asked me, ‘Tell me one couple who is happy and if I get a genuine answer, I’ll get married. I was taken aback and asked why she posed that question, to which she replied, ‘I haven’t seen my parents talking to each other in lovingly — so what will be the point of me getting married and giving birth if I turn out to be like my parents?’”

Suryakumar also observes that deciding whether or not to have kids has nothing to do with the mental health of a couple. “If their life goal is something bigger than not having the kids then why should we bother about it in the first place?”